For long time, ever since I left my home country Korea, I haven’t seen any dramas or follow their latest news and social trends. Then, one time, my yoga girls kept asking me whether I watched the “winter sonata.” “No. I haven’t.” Another time, they were asking “Ta-Chang-Jin.” “No, I don’t know…” Well, I’d got to solve that problem; I should know what they are talking about, at least to be on the same conversational level. So I borrowed the CD sets.
I didn’t finish the “winter sonata.” A touching love story but it was too dragging. So I watched the first few, the middle and the end episodes. It was enough to capture the whole story. The “Ta-Chang-Jin” ?? Oh, I finished the whole series from the beginning till the end because it was not just a love story but was an inspiring human example of how woman triumphed her destiny against all odds, obstacles and tragedy, beside showing lots of cultural culinary and the use of Chinese Medicine (my hubby’s expertise).
Since then, the Korean movies and artists are sweeping the world especially in the South East Asia by the storm. But I don’t watch them. Firstly, my brain will turn into “Konglish” pattern that it interrupts my communication ability in English. Secondly, why so many heroes and heroines must die with fatal diseases or accidents? Thirdly, I can’t tune my emotional wave length to the complicated love triangles in the boys-meet-girls, girls-meet-boys stories. Maybe already outdated myself… Much worse, I can’t cry in front of TV, engaged in the soap dramas, I can’t squeeze out my tears no matter how hard I try. Well, call me a cold hearted woman but I still can’t cry with a melodrama.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have emotion or cruel. In fact, I am one of the most emotionally sensitive women you can come across. I cry inside. I get affected easily in our real human relationships not in a factual drama life. I was born with a hyper sensitivity like my mother who was a master in nagging with all kinds of self-conjured up emotional reaction. Mine is a bit more refined than hers by the virtue of education and self-cultivation. But certainly my sharp sixth sense is an enormous burden to me. Whether it is a liability or asset I am not quite sure. I always had this pain in the chest easily troubling my sleep for days, churning the head, and repeating neurotic self-criticism on and on whenever I am embroiled in emotional conflicts regarding someone, something.
A platonic lover, a naïve believer in human’s selfless nature, I fall in love easily just to fall out of it as fast. I get moved easily to the kindness, caring interests, and sincerity from others just to get disappointed soon after. Because it always came with the conditions that are attached to it. If I give, then, you have to give to me; if l like, love you, you also have to love me... Slowly I have learned everyone is functioning from the level of self-interest and self-preservation. The more insecure the person is inside, the thicker and harder to break open their hearts. It broke my heart many times, to learn of what they say is different than what they have in mind. I learned the harsh truth in harsh ways; I fully trusted what people said, promised by the words, not the real intention behind the words. I would lose my sleep for days, whenever it turns out it was not. Not many were willing to let go of even tiny bits of self interests to keep up their words. That made me crying in, putting a sharp knife in my heart every time. But I still couldn’t change myself. I grew up seeing my parents keeping their words and actions exactly how they would say would do, so I naturally followed that pattern. They never had cheated or harsh on others, so I couldn’t also, even it costed me much mentally, emotionally as well as financially.
Then what did I do, especially when I got so upset, sad, fired up in my heart and head? I learned to turn the other way around. I learned meditation. I learned to tender my delicate emotional nature not by crying out, but by self reflecting, by stopping and contemplating to understand the human nature and life. Gradually I could leave some room for “otherwise” in interacting with people. Slowly I could understand why people are sometimes behaving otherwise despite their initial good intention, our fundamentally pure nature.
What makes freaks, cheats, criminals, thefts, crooks, and manias alike in the way they are despite their original pure nature just as we are? Circumstances, ignorance, insecurity, fear, misunderstanding and short sightedness … We are afraid that we might not have enough for our own, would get denied our rightful place and share in this game of life if we don’t keep vigilant. We get shaken and jealous easily because we translate other’s success as our minus.
In Buddhist term, there is “dependent origination,” meaning we all are connected to each other, whatever one thinks or does affecting one another, the entire universe, whether we might be aware or not. Life will go on as long as this universe is held in place, everybody having enough space and share in the meticulous web of cosmic matrix that our creator has designed. There is also the Biblical story that Jesus had exhibited how one piece of bread was enough to share among all the people of Jerusalem. Each religion assures the universal truth of abundance and protection for our life, but we lack in faith to trust that. That is ignorance, the cause of our much unhappiness, insecurity, suffering, misery, conflicts, and thereby many are lost in darkness, crying out, rather than living in joy, in bliss, that which is our birthright.
By realizing the birthright can we only be free ourselves; functioning from our inborn good nature; not accumulating, expecting or possessing more from our material worlds that which will be never enough. We all were born with the promise of supreme happiness, and yet we don’t know how to enjoy that. Go and dig out your old album to see the picture of your baby time. How innocent and sweet, fully trusting and blissful, were you? Somewhere along the way, we bought into other people’s remarks, insecure and insincere words about how people and life are, and we believed in them without testing with our own inner wisdom bestowed by the Nature. We also became insecure, fearful, clinging, needy, greedy, distrustful… That is what they call “conditioned reality” in Buddhist term.
Our real nature is neither the ugly, unstable emotional reaction nor the lost, abandoned inner child, but “emptiness” “pure brightness” that could become anything we can make it to be, never losing its original nature of abundance and purity. We don’t have to be so fanatical, possessive, but let it loose; let it relax a bit into the rhythm of life with faith and surrender. Then we can see why someone is behaving in certain way despite their intention. That is “compassion,” that is “love” that which binds us in humanity to share and rejoice together.
Through years of meditative practices, I haven’t seen any gods, goddesses or other celestials in my vision; but I have seen that true self of each person, including myself, always trying to do our best but succumbing to the circumstances occasionally making mistakes, fall, misunderstand… but given some time, they always come back… because we crave for goodness, betterment, togetherness, acceptance, compassion and love… If you have that, if I have that, no matter how much sometimes the other person causes pain in your heart, tearing apart your trust and affection, you can still tolerate and be able to wait until the tides can turn around… Let’s not be afraid to love and be hyper sensitive to others’ need, at the same time, let’s not expect the same would return from the same person. What goes around comes around. We will have our share and time.
I love people, life very much, but I can’t say, I can’t express freely now, especially by crying out. As I know how limited my perception, interpretation can be by the limited conditions my being carries. I wouldn’t know how dusty my inner mirror can be. So everyday, I breathe in, breathe out, and pausing in between. Then, somehow I can manage better. I still toss and turn, losing my sleep easily whenever I feel hurt by someone, something. Instead of turning my frustration, disappointment toward them, I would breathe in, breathe out, and waiting, waiting, waiting… until it can turn around the tides by itself. Enormous patience and discipline…by learning that I only could temper my hyper sensitive nature for better use; expanding awareness to embrace, to understand others better. It no longer matters how others are behaving. I don’t have to limit the space around others. I myself still can strive to be a better human being to expand my own space limitlessly. Then it seems life gets along just fine. That is why I can’t cry out, as there is not much I see it as greater sadness than seeing somebody forgetting his/her true nature of goodness, holiness…
