I used
to have an ‘acerbic’ penning habit.
Since young, I had the eyes of seeing it through both sides of a coin in
anyone, in any situation, coupled with inability to hold my tongue. I would often lose my sleep over it if I
didn’t get to express what I saw. But
then, my mother wouldn’t allow her children using any foul or quarrelsome
language. So whenever I felt
disagreement with friends or others, I would write them letters, to get my
points across, that which pierced their hearts like sharp spears at times, like
the Simon Cowell. My too direct honesty
sometimes brought me closer with others but many times bitter enmity to break
apart close relationships with friends.
It will
be a really long story if I were to narrate them all. In retrospect, my sense of self-righteousness,
in the price of hurting others, though I might have been right at times, was
not something encouraging attitude for my own good. It was like I had a tunnel vision, so narrow
in my point of view that many times I failed to see others’ points of view. What I didn’t know was, then, not many were comfortable
in knowing the full picture or sometimes a little ignorance is better for the person
concerned than hurting them in the name of objectivity. It took me many more years of mistakes and few
broken friendships to realize that. One
particular incident was regarding a dear school friend whom I lost in touch now.
During
my school days, I didn’t have wider circle of friends except few close ones
because of my not-so-well-rounded character.
But then, with close friends, I was rather initiative, enthusiastic and
outspoken to always assume some kind of a leader role. I had a group of seven friends from the same
high school with whom I formed small alumni together. Among them, I was particularly close with one
friend Mee-Jung.
She was
different than us, a tall and big size girl with not so good looking and bossy
temper, whereas the rest of us were more or less similar small frames and mild
temperaments. In
school, not many
liked her because she behaved like a bully.
But I knew she was a tender hearted-girl inside. Her nasty behavior was to hide her inferior
complex. I felt sympathy to take her in
our group of friends after getting everybody’s consent on her behalf. Initially it took us some efforts to get used
to her but we got along fine with time as she was a hard working and caring
person. She and I were particularly
close. And the towering framed friend next
to me (I was the smallest sized in the entire school!)…people teased us as “oak
tree and cicada.”
Ironically
she was the first one to get married among us.
We were only 21 years old then, just fresh out of high school, some were
still studying and some already started working. Her parents, concerned with her slim chance
of finding a suitor arranged marriage to a 10 year older skinny man who liked her
extra large size after they’ve met through a matchmaker. Within a month, we were attending their
wedding and it was a sight to behold; she was like an oak tree, he like a
willow!
Well,
then, he was an architect with a small nice apartment besides the famous beach
town, Hae-Un-Dae, in Pusan. After the hurried wedding, though,
they had to go through some
initial rumbling-tumbling because of my friend’s hot temper. But
their matrimonial union soon got settle into a loving relationship with their small
apartment becoming our favorite place to hang out. We could see the sun rise and sunset over the
horizon from her balcony. It was so
beautiful beyond words and I can still smell the sea even now. We thought how lucky she was. Many people in Korea struggled through their
entire life to own a house even now.
What’s more a beach apartment?
She
seemed happy and easy at first. But
soon I started to notice her turning into a miserly housewife who weighed and
calculated every little, little things including the expenses occurred through
our regular visits. We became uneasy
especially for me because, she started to create a crack in our mutually
generous friendships. Other friends
hushed behind her back and chose to stay away.
But I didn’t. I couldn’t swallow
her pettiness that was sometimes too much.
So I wrote her a letter. I
pointed out her pettiness that was becoming as small as her apartment, and
suggested to open her eyes to behold the vast oceanic vision that was right in
front of her windows. It was a metaphor
for me to use the apartment and the ocean in comparison. But for her, I mocked at her ‘small apartment.’ She became furious to serve all her ties with
me immediately. I also became angry at
her ingratitude to forget my help of having any friends at all in the first
place.
So like
that, we didn’t see or talk to each other for many years. Until one day I heard she moved into a rented
room with the husband. Apparently the
apartment was given by the hubby’s elder brother but he took it back after he
failed in his business. She also
couldn’t conceive naturally. So in and
out of hospital, they were going through rough times. That was why she was becoming hysterical and counting
every cent…. I apologized to her for my wrong doing. She apologized to me for her rashness. We became better terms again but once broken,
it was broken forever. We couldn’t
really patch things up and gradually we grew further apart never to hear again
after I left my country
for good.
I should
have remembered the lesson I’ve learned but it took me few more broken
friendships and hurtful relationships for years until I finally got the picture
that, I was the problem, not the other way around. I thought I was right. I was correct and far-sighted one whereas
others’ are so narrow
and poor. Eventually I realized that this
kind of self-righteous attitude hurt myself more than others. So gradually I became much softer and kinder
in my words, and more careful in my hearts as well as in my conducts; to seek
for harmony rather than being right, to sing out loud alone rather than write
an acerbic letter, to breathe in and out five times, ten times or many more till
my frustration settles…
It turned out good practice….because I am no longer caught
in my tunnel vision, instead, I can see the world in twinkling smile, lights
and perfection even if people including myself are so imperfect and full of
dusts busying to bury under the blankets…
