Since small, I was never good at pretending something that I am not, nor do anything that I was not willing. My mother could never persuade me, the nerdy and obstinate little lot. I wouldn’t say I was stubborn but was definitely the typical-difficult second daughter in the row of three. There is an old saying in our culture. “First daughter is a treasure to the parents; she looks after house affairs like a second mother. Third daughter is the gem; you don’t even have to see her to marry. The second one? Hammed between the first and third, she has her mind of own. It’s best to leave her alone.”
My mother well abided in the saying. She didn’t bother me (though I was her favorite). My elder sister was always busy to help mother and take care of us. She was also the smartest in term of study. My younger sister was the friendly and sociable one. There was always someone calling at the gate to go out and play. The usual children’s games of make-believe or seek-hide, etc, didn’t appeal much to me, however. So I spent my time mostly alone, in my own head, occupied with reading or daydreaming.
When we did something wrong to make our mother angry, younger sister was always the one to escape first. She would immediately kneel down and beg for forgiveness. She seldom got cane while we were growing up. Myself? I got some. Being proud but not as tough like elder sister, I would refuse to beg at first but yielded soon after few canes. Elder sister was the real stubborn one like a bull. She would rather tolerate pain and bear mother’s anger until mother gave up. She got beaten a lot but it seemed she can take it all without grudges. She loved mother dearly and did all the work for her. Myself, occasionally and reluctantly would do; my younger sister almost never. She played the princess in the house.
Same parents, same upbringing… we all are turned up to be so different. We each chose our path, consciously or unconsciously, according to how our characters were, what expectations were put onto us. Younger sister married much earlier than me to a well-off family. Elder sister chose a staunch missionary husband to settle in the far off country of Russia, living the sacrificial life that their Lord called upon to them. I chose my own independent path because I had my own mind of being unorthodox. I was a bit of rebel, not externally but internally. Deep philosophical issues like life and death appealed me for such a young teen girl. Somehow I believed in certain universal power that I didn’t know what. Deep in my heart, there was the belief in the Universal Power that which governs and maintains our life and the entire universe in such a perfect harmony and orderliness. I wanted to find out what that was. I put myself the constant pressure that I had no idea of how and what. I made my belief in something that is so intangible and inconceivable that it became almost obsession.
My sisters and friends thought I was a weird-o. It didn’t bother me of what they think. The pain in my heart, not knowing how to get in touch with the Power, I just kept knocking my head here and there while they left me alone. It was good that they left me alone, or else I might have been ended up to be one of the obedient but frustrated housewives to a dominating Korean man that you see in Korean dramas from the Astro Channel 303. Then I would have never come out of the country nor have met you at all. By virtue of doing ‘soul searching’ from early in my life, I somehow managed to carve my life path different than the rest of my people, of which I like it much better than how I might have been otherwise.
Anyway, the certain belief in me, not imposed by others but by myself, led me to explore different religions, mysticism, philosophies or the various New Age stuffs, in attempt to understand my inner struggles. It seemed they were all pointing at the same thing, the universal Power, though they might call it differently according to their own religious terms or spiritual preference. But I was not yet fully convinced. After all I was the ‘second daughter’ who doesn’t easily make-believe with what others say. I got to find out myself with my own experience. Not stubborn but not easy to bully either. So I kept the world and people in distance until I could finally be convinced in the Truth. Some of you who knew me earlier might remember how cold and distant I looked in those days…Time is God and Life is the Teacher and People are our salvation.
It has been increasingly clear to me that there IS certain magnificent power in life that we owe our lives to, the invisible Power of the universe. Whether we are aware or not, the Power is always in work, that which has brought us into life and continuously looking after until we leave the earth. There was the connection I started to see between all of us and the Power. The presence of It became more obvious while living a family life as ordinarily as possible, teaching and relating with the people around me with what I believe in. I was not alone. I was not weird-o. They were also all looking for something but didn’t know where to turn. As I shared my experiences and understandings about the Power, it became even clearer that everybody instinctively agree upon the existence of the Power but do not know how to access or bring it to fully conscious level of awareness.
The sense of wonder when you look up to the night sky to discover the full moon following you around; the swelling joy and heartfelt pride when you saw your kid taking the very first step in his/her own…they are the glimpse of the Power. The morning breeze smelling of thunder and heavy down fall, the stray cat stealing foods from a alter outside of a neighbor, the little beautiful birds flying around in hubby’s orchid garden… they add such delicate ‘aha’ moments to the life’s magic and beauty. They are the taste of the Power. We meant to enjoy and treasure life in so far as our awareness is intact with It. When we lose that, we become bitter, isolated, confused and easy to feel meaningless with everyone, everything that we encounter. We endlessly complain, grumble and worry by picking on problems, imperfections rather than goodness, beauty. Then life becomes such ordinary, lackluster and burdensome. I don’t know about others but I can’t stand when life feels so monatomic. When I can sustain the presence of Power in me, then, there is aliveness, purpose, energy and direction.
The Power I believed in and searched for was, nothing sort of mysterious or miraculous like how I had imagined before. But it was the conviction, confidence and awakening to the inner power within me that we all owe life, to live somehow more magnificent, extra ordinary rather than small, ordinary. Due to our lack of ability to be aware, to see life as a whole in a bigger picture that it causes separation, segregation, misunderstanding and conflicts among us; but it’s not our real intention or nature to think and behavior otherwise. If we dive it a bit further, we can penetrate the layers, layers of restless body and mind, the thick slumbers of countless tendencies and ingrained habits, standing in the way of our better self. Given the choice, no one would like to live with the ugliness in us. We all have the choice to choose. We become what we believe in.
What do you believe you are and you should be? Anything that you want it to be. Make and believe. We have the power within us, but you have to be willing to tap into It. That takes some reconstruction and refinement of your belief windows if you weren’t in the habit of asking questions to Life until now. I believe living life should be much richer, joyful and extra ordinary experiences. We owe at least that much to our life to be happy and well, inwardly as well as outwardly.
Please come to the next Saturday presentation, 18th April 2.30 – 4 pm; “Changing Your Life, Destiny and Fortune”. I am sharing the very secrets of ancient as well as modern real life hero’s discovery on how to access and utilize the Power to enrich our lives materially as well as spiritually. Everybody, whether or not you are current or old student, if you have come to read this story, then, we are connected in a very special way so that we can share this priceless life lessons and wisdom to grow together. Innocence is one of the best qualities that lead to the Truth that we all are searching for in life. Fear is the worst company you can live with in life. Thinking too much is a bad habit that must be counter-acted. So don’t hesitate too much on what I am up to but just come to hear nice stories in person. I will see you all that day without me sending anymore reminder emails.
Good day! Beth.
If you are new and wasn’t aware of my story postings in the Blog, please go to: www.bethsyoga.com.my to read more stores that I posted previously.
