When my now twelve-year-old son Edwin was about two years old, just learning to speak in short sentences, he had difficulty grasping the difference between “you” and “I.” He was fast in his language development for his age, except that he couldn’t differentiate the use of “I” and “you.” As I was referring him as “you” and myself “I”, he also did that. He himself was “you” and I, his mom, was “I.” I couldn’t make him understand to be switched the other way when referring to one self. So I let him be. However, soon after he was using its term correctly, himself as “I” and others as “you.” I wasn’t sure how he got it. There on, he was quite clear about the fact that he is a separate being from mommy, daddy or other people. He exhibited a strong sense of self even in that tender age of not-yet-three.
As for me, I don’t remember since when I started perceive myself as an independent “I” but it came rather late, maybe in my late teen or early twenty. Of course being an aloof and reserved kid didn’t help much in forming a clearer self-identity early. And yet, in retrospect, I think it was more to do with my native Korean language. The structure of its language is such that, we seldom refer or separate our self from the other either “you” or “I”, but have tendency to refer uniformly as “we” “us” “ours”…etc. Instead of saying “I want/do/like…” we say as “we want/do/like…” Instead of saying “my family/house/parents/friends…” we say as “our family/house/parents/friends…”
Now, after years of speaking English, that which requires clearer distinction between “you, I or we,” so that the listeners can be understood clearly, I became rather hesitant in my choice of using them. “You” sounds too pinpointing; “I” sounds too self-centered… and I don’t like to be personal. Thereby, I still don’t have much strong concept on “you” or “I” and I don’t feel the need to strengthen it either. I prefer to be no-one. Then I can be anyone to understand others better in their shoes. So, I either skip or still prefer using “we” “us” in my language usage. I guess blood is stronger than water.
Language, beside culture, is one of the most powerful tools in conditioning our thinking, behavioral and responsive patterns. The collective functioning mode in a group, either in positive or negative way, works especially powerful in things the Koreans do; see how the small country like Korea, still divided into two continents, can excel in so many various areas globally; technology, research and academia, culture, sports, etc, competing with gigantic countries like US, China, or Japan? Virtually an unknown country to the world, they achieved the developed status in so short periods of time, mostly in the last two decades. Don’t miss out also to notice how good they are at picketing or sabotaging to protect certain group’s interest. The country never has had a shortage in finding faults to quarrel about or a cause to unite together. They are masters in uniting or alienating in any given situation in almost light speeds.
I was a black sheep when I was growing up in there. I couldn’t associate or identify myself like how other Koreans do. I was a loner. Then, I am a foreigner in here, Malaysia, in where my family, friends and life are. I do not know where I belong but do not have to belong anywhere either. Not having to have a fixed position allows me to see life in a neutral way, without much need to take a side, or cling onto. Not living within the boundary of same culture and language, have its advantages as well as disadvantages. The occasional bouts of loneliness and isolation at times, are one of the things I have to live with. But in life, we can’t expect for perfection. I choose to see the bright side instead; as a universal citizen myself with universal religion like water, as descried in the Zhuang-zi.
I don’t have to identify with anything or anybody; so that I can freely flow. I don’t have to be troubled with each changing conditions of scenery or weather; when there are obstacles of rocks, twigs, I can simply go around or go along with. Leaves of trees are always falling, birds are chirping and monkeys are skipping around; sometimes rain, sometimes sunny, windy or breeze… That’s life, as they say. When I can come to terms with changing conditions of life, then, I feel easier to deal with anything in life and without much to fear about.
We have the body that is constantly changing; we have the mind and emotion that are always moving and fluctuating; we have memories of the past, impressions of the present that which continuously molding our future; we have different hats wearing to fit into different family and social roles. However, none of it can really define who the real “I” is; that which we take it so seriously with. What we take as “I” is “you” to the one we are relating. For who “you” is to me, is “I” to you… Are there any difference between “you” and “I”? Who the “you” is that we take it so differently and thereby, alienating? As the Zhuang-zi wasn’t sure whether he was the butterfly in his dream or the butterfly him in his awakened state; how sure are we, of what we think as “I” today, will be the same tomorrow?
I know, it starts to sound very confusing. The bottom line is, at times, we are too attached to the view of being certain “I”; to how “I” think, “I” feel, “I” do and “I” suppose to be… The “I” becomes too central, too important and absolute that it often lacks perspective and consideration to the rest of the world. “I” insist that “my” family and children should be the best; “my” money, property, and prestige are the top priority than others’. “I” become easily afraid, insecure about losing anything that belongs to “me”; “I” become jealous and depressive if “you” become richer, better than “me.” Thereby, it springs the many ugly things out from the Pandora’s Box preventing us to enjoy harmonious life together. Life became suffering, discontented, and unhappiness, rather than joyful and heavenly. We need to shift our focus.
Everybody knows that the earth circles around the sun astronomically; and yet, we take this position the sun circling around the earth astrologically; because it is more convenient to assume that we are at the center of the universe. Yet no one will argue about the fact that the earth is not the center but the sun is. Everybody knows that there are millions of other people have lived, living and will live with the same “I” concepts. And yet, the one “I” holding in this body, mind and emotion with “my” family, social, cultural backgrounds is too much important than any of the rest “I”. My finger cut, my stomach upset is more urgent than the one who got disfigured from bomb, the hunger of African children; because it is happening to the “I” not “you.” We can be so absurdly selfish and unreasonable, especially when we are lacking in perspective about life as a whole.
Why don’t we see more as “we” “us” “ours”? We need more warmth, acceptance and compassion in our heart if we were to nourish the various relationships in our life, not only with fellow human beings but with even animals and unanimous objects of nature like trees, plants or rocks. Then, much of our human conflicts, deceits, and other social crimes of the society; wastage, pollutions, and other numerous things we human do to cause environmental destructions, can be much less and under control. In turn, the earth will be a better living place for the generations to come, not just for “my” “my kids” time only…
How sad is that we can’t see the countless blessings our life has inherited? When God has created us human in His image, He never meant us to suffer but to enjoy the best of everything. It was our forgetfulness, narrow mindedness that has separated from our original divine nature to be otherwise; to act with hatred, to cause conspiracy, conflicts, arguments, back biting, etc. We need to turn around our awareness from “I” “you” to “we”, like Copernicus.’ He had discovered that the earth is round not flat like how his generation had believed. His precious discovery didn’t bring any minus to our life; instead it brought great advancement of modern science elevating the qualities of life beyond his generation’s comprehension. Shifting perception from where “I” “you” stance to where “we” stance can also bring us greater unity and collective happiness; to the land of utopia, to the Pure Land, to Enlightenment. That is the uniformed promise made in various spiritual scriptures.
So what do we do? Let’s choose to be happy and joyful. We choose to be open, generous and forgiving. Whether be good or bad, we choose not to be so excited or be miserable about. Then we can allow things, people, events of life come and go easily. Whatever happens to “I” become not so painful, disastrous or difficult; instead we can remember to relax with “this shall pass.” Whatever good things happen to “I”, we don’t become so afraid to loose or disappear; instead we could enjoy its fruits until it last. Fortunes and misfortunes, happiness and unhappiness fluctuate like seasons. Yet we can still enjoy each moments without reservation or fear. That is the joy of becoming like water so that we can experience our life flowing, growing each moment and look forward to be eventually united with the ocean. I, you, and we… really there are not much difference because your happiness is my happiness and our happiness, and vice versa. So let’s loose our grips on too personal themes; instead why not, learned to see, be united as “we” like one big community. Who knows what kinds of miracles it would bring?
