Mother crab saw her children walking always sideways. She didn’t like it. So she decided to teach them how to walk straight by showing it off her graceful walk, the same sidewalk…
As any parent would agree in unison, the love for own offspring knows no limit, has no boundary; it is automatic, spontaneous and unconditional. As great as our love for them is, so is our expectation towards them. We often consciously or unconsciously project our unfulfilled dream, a different life than ours, to them in a hope that they will live it out for us inspired by our devotion, unconditional love, but of course with the tag “it’s for you, not for me.”
Very often than not, too high parental expectations and controls tend to make things exactly opposite than what we intended for. Too many parents and children suffer from their strained relationships. What was started as pure joy and selfless love, often turn into disappointment or hatred, thereby ending up to be bitter enemies with each other. Why is that? Because, in our hindsight, we often do not realize the obvious truth that our children copy what they see, not what we say, just like the mother crab.
I did one counseling today. It a nice lady in her early forty, whose younger sister I know very well. I will call her Yen. She doesn’t speak English, so I had to use an interpretator. Yen has been suffering from her unhappy marriage for long. The husband is a gambler and drinker. At least, he doesn’t abuse her but has never contributed a single cent to the household. They have one daughter who is 12 years old this year. She has been the sole breadwinner all along in the house where in-laws are staying together. She has given up hope for the husband long ago but her love for the daughter is like her lifeline. Just mentioning her daughter, she will become teary. With the husband, they have been living in different rooms for long but he wouldn’t agree to divorce, neither does she really care for it by now. As long as it is good for her daughter, it is better than nothing.
Now she was trying to move out from the house because the in-laws are constantly bad-mouthing about Yen to the girl. The daughter, Han, doesn’t talk or show her emotion much, but is close with the grandmother and aunty. So is with Yen. But since Yen was working all the while, it was the in-laws looked after Han most of time. Han used to be very loving and attached to the mother. But Yen herself was too unhappy with her own life that she was drowning every night with one bottle of wine to sleep. Thereby there has been growing distance between mother and daughter, especially since Han had entered puberty. She became quiet, aloof, indifferent toward anyone in the house, whereas she is much vibrant and active in the school according to her teachers. Apparently Han is doing double characters inside and outside of houses. She also loves readings especially Chinese inspirational stories.
Yen came to me today because she wants to know what her changing astrological time in one year will bring it to her. I did her birth charts reading 7-8 years back when she was in the middle of greatest agonizing time period. There was no way she could escape from the sufferings she was going through at the time, except bearing it, like living out the given sentences. To give her hope, however, I told her of better time awaiting and turning fortune if she can persists. Though uneducated, she is kind, sincere and tough with strong will. She listened to the advice and bore the difficult situation well. She also has put on a lot of weights due to drinking. Meanwhile her life did improve financially because of the sibling company she is working for was progressing steadily, thus paying her better salary. She saved enough money to be able to afford a house of her own but she is concerned that her daughter wouldn’t want to follow her out or Han might be lonely if both of them move out. With the eyes and face red with tears, she asked me what she should do.
Handing her over tissues to wipe, I asked her back, “Why do want to move out from house? You think it will make you or Han happier?” She is not sure. “Then, do you know what will make you happy?” She can’t answer either. “Is there anything you want for yourself when astrological time changes for the better?” She doesn’t know what she wants to make her life better.
Then, why do you want to move out when you are not sure of anything? “Because the in-laws are bad-mouthing about me which is no good for Han’s education.” If your mother-in-law says good things about you, will it make you happy? “No, she will never do that.” But it’s you, not her own son, who have been supporting her living all along, why will she treat you badly or bad mouth about you, instead being grateful to you? “Because she has been unhappy and suffering with her own mother-in-law, that is why she does that to me.” Oh, I see, now you know what your mother-in-law is saying is really nothing to do with you, but it’s from her own stresses. And you are trying to move out from the house just because of that. What if you sabotage your financial support to her, then, will she change her attitude towards you?
“No, I don’t want to do that. She is so old already and I don’t want to be so calculative and mean to the poor old lady.” Okay, you know she will not change and you know why she does that to you. You also have no intention to withdraw your support from her. Then will moving out from the house solve anything, especially when she loves her granddaughter and Han is close with her? Do you think Han will be happier by living with you only even if she follows you out from the house?
“…No, she wouldn’t…” Then, do you think you moving out from the house is the answer to your happiness? “….”
You see, you can move the house as many times as you want, but if the owner doesn’t change her mindset, then no matter where she goes, the same old suffering will also follow her. Changing astrological time is also the same. Changing Time reflects shift in our energy and view points, not necessarily means that, your external life presenting you a total make-over in one night. You don’t know what you want from your own life, how then, the planets, even God can give you anything at all to make you happier? Astrology is not about fate but is about destiny. Those who believe in fate, expect everything to drop from the heaven while themselves do nothing. Then, at most they can receive what fate has been allocated to. They are bounded to the changing conditions of internal and external influences, thereby endless sufferings, caused by our insatiable desires for more and better. Destiny is that, you find your own happiness, not by resisting or forcing to change the given conditions, but by attuning yourself to the changing course of nature and time like how all the rain, stream, river water flow down toward the ocean, toward the greater happiness.
You want to be happy when the Time changes. Can you write down 5 things that will make you happy? What are the five things that you want when you astrological time changes for better?
Initially she hesitated but soon she came out with 5 wishes; 1) To earn more money 2) To travel overseas 3) Han getting married to a good man 4) Han becoming a successful career woman 5) Wanting to take care of grandchildren.
Okay, then, how does she expect to earn more money? Is she unhappy working for her sibling’s company? No, she is happy and content. Then, how to earn more money than now if she has no intention to work for another job? If the brothers’ company does better, then, they can pay her more salary…
Oh, I see, out of 5 wishes, 4 wishes are all dependent on others except one. That means, her happiness is dependent upon others. Travelling overseas, she could do it anytime even now because she has enough savings. Yes, she already booked for Taiwan trip with Han.
The other three wishes are all for your daughter. Do you think you have control of whom she will marry and how she will turn out to be in the future? No… If her life doesn’t turn out to be as you wished, then, again, you will be unhappy. Yes… Do you think Han will do better with her study by following you out of the house? No… You think Han will know how to find happiness when you only showed her how unhappy and bitter with your life like right now? No…
You don’t have to wait until the stars to change its course because you can be happy right here and now if you just turn around to see things differently. You love your daughter so much and you will do anything for her. Then, why not you start over by working on yourself to become better looking, healthier like last time I saw. Your daughter will be happier by seeing you looking after yourself, rather than following you out from the house. You pity your poor mother-in-law despite her faults but you know she will not change her attitude towards you. That is very compassionate of you. Then, can you just ignore whatever she says because you know it’s nothing to do with you? That she could do. If you don’t move out now, then, you already have more money to spend with your daughter. You could travel overseas more often and buy her things to make Han happier. No, she doesn’t want to spoil the girl with over indulgence. Okay, then, you can buy her more books she likes to read and keep it also for her college education so that she can have good career. Yes, that will do.
I explained her more of the difference between “fate and destiny.” Fate is something we don’t have control of. Destiny is something we have control of. Outer circumstances, like the looks, family and culture we are born into, are fated. That belongs to the past. But from the moment, you come to contact with astrology, then, it becomes destiny because you have control of your feelings at the present moments, and to chose next action course that which will determine your better or worse future. To know your future, you just need to look around your present. If you showed your daughter mother’s miseries and drunken nights, then, is there any wonder why she is shutting herself off and becoming depressed and overweight these days? Are you not repeating your mother-in-law’s mistake of passing up her frustration to your daughter?
Fate is that, out of our hindsight, people keep repeating the same old patterns of suffering again and again. Destiny is that, out of reflection, you start to choose deliberate action course that will make you grow toward happiness and fulfillment. No one can bring us happiness except ourselves. The same circumstances, the same house and people, you just turn around to see it different only. Then, happiness right there for you to pick up. You certainly need your in-laws’ help so that you can have your working life and independence from your irresponsible husband. Your in-laws also need you as the breadwinner while your daughter is well taken care of by them. You just need to find something else that will make you happier like picking up some hobbies rather than drinking. She is good at hand craft. Okay, then, take some courses to learn cooking, tailoring, or knitting, etc. Spend some money and time together with Han rather than keep it all for saving for a house that can’t really guarantee better happiness.
That is destiny. We have the choice to make our destiny based on our decision today. If we chose the action course that will make us feel better and proud of ourselves, today, then, our tomorrow sure will be brighter. But if we choose to drift away with whatever comes along mindlessly, irresponsibly, then, we bound to repeat the same mistake, to the same fate, again and again while wondering why life is still so full of suffering despite your hard work. They often blame fate, parents, spouse, children, education, culture, society, etc, for their misery while real problem lies in our ignorance to look around ourselves.
When we awaken to life, you suddenly realize that, you have all the things, people, jobs, etc, the right and perfect conditions for your best evolution and happiness. You can see with your own eyes that how you have been the very cause of your own misery and unhappiness. The past is past that which brought you here to the present moment. Whatever seems imperfect at the moment, you don’t repeat or feel remorseful but adjust the course so that it can bring you different destination. Why are we keep repeating yesterday’s thoughts and behaviors again and again today, while wondering better future never seem to be in the horizon? No one asked us to walk on the same foot- steps with our troubled past but we constantly duplicate what we have been exposed to, especially from the parents’ and cultural conditionings. It takes mindfulness and repentance to bypass our humpy bumpy road blocks that are marked with many wrong sign posts. That is true humanity, accepting our shortcomings at the same time resolving to improve.
Though uneducated, Yen is wise and humble. She has the disciplined mindset as well. She understood very well of my points. Initially came in with nervousness, she left with brighter face, more clear and confident with what she should do. Thankfully, daughter’s changing astrological time also shows their better happiness in the horizon. I hope for the best and fine future for Yen and the daughter. If you are a parent, and you don’t want your children to be like you, what will be the solution? Yes, you are right, you have to know how to do straight walk, not sidewalk…they always copy what they see, not what you say…
