Story 11. Hold onto that dream, and never let it loose

As a child, many of us dreamt of becoming somebody important when we grow up; artists, musician, writer, professor, lawyer, doctor, scientist, businessman, politician or even president. Our parents held high expectation of us; we believed in them as young children. Each in its own, yet, we all had this tiny, seeds of heroism; wanting to become somebody who is larger than real life; longing for holism who can contribute something noble to others by doing charity and good deeds like Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandela.

However, as time went by, much of childhood dreams went wayside, conforming to the reality that will promise better job, financial security, family welfare or safer future. Dreams remained as dream while, time to time, we harbor over something is missing, incomplete, kinds of feeling in the occasional moments of emptiness from our ordinary life. Many bury the inner voice of doubt, the sense of dissatisfaction, deep down below the navel; to TV, alcohol, smoke, sports, sex, shopping, holidays, or quest for more money, fame, power, etc. Some others delve into a bit deeper; exploring self motivation courses, new age movements, spiritualism or religions. Still some others dare to go out to uncover the cause of fundamental discontentment; changing career or divorces in the middle age, going back to school after retirement, traveling the 3rd countries, migrating into different countries and cultures, or even renouncing into religious order or monastery.

And yet, rare are those who have found the true calling, the cause to dedicate their life to live the life of their dream and fulfillment, that which do not often directly equate with financial, material comforts and worldly success. Rare it might be, though, occasional glimpse of those people, who have found their inner voice and the ways to express it through their life, are the sparkling inspirations for the rest of us, to rekindle our much unsung dreams with hope. They are like the silver linings in our monotonous life to remind us the forgotten dream buried deep in our heart.

What was your dream? Are you what you dreamt of and content with how your life turned out be right now? Or are you still waiting for someday, someone or somewhere over the rainbow that will bring clearer answer, more happiness and meanings in your life? The sense of longing, the sound of echo from unfulfilled dream, thus, haunting us every now and then, I often wonder how other people can cope to live with it…that’s why I am writing my heart out; so that I might come to know what’s in other’s heart (a busy body myself..). By doing so, I only wish to relate with people better; to learn, to grow together.

As for me, I didn’t have any dream or ambition to become anything at all. My parents also didn’t expect much of me. I was a stubborn second daughter, neither smart like my elder sister nor sweet like my younger sister, but unhappy and aloof lot who was just left there in her own inner world, seldom mixing or playing with others. I didn’t know what I want or why I was unhappy. Not interested in schooling either, my grades were mediocre. Reading books and pouring out my heart in the diary was my only escapade. I was disinterested in anything else, getting bored easily in everything; a born pessimist, you could say.

One day, in my late teen, my elder sister bought an essay book written by a renowned poet, titled “whispering to the wind.” It was beautiful, delicate and emotional outcries of the author that she put onto talking to “someone out there,” not an actual person. It captured my own emotional frequency, my self-reflecting nature. There on, I embarked the journey of self discovery, the inner voice of someone calling me, to somewhere unknown world. I followed the movement of my mind, my emotion that fluctuated like wind with naïve expectation that it would be as beautiful as how the poet had described. But it wasn’t. The journey was not at all easy or pretty; instead, it was often frightening, dreary and lonely. I often resented the path but somehow couldn’t give it up. After decades of going round and round, I’ve found my voice and the way to express my being on which I’m still treading, by teaching and sharing knowledge, in a hope to help others find their inner voice and the ways to express; to be somebody they wanted to be, to contribute to their happiness. In turn, it doubles, triples my own happiness.

It was amazing when I recently came across with the same author’s books who had initiated me into the life journey of chasing dream. While I was following the direction where my wind pointed at and trying to live the very life she had idealized, she herself hadn’t moved at all, still talking about same wind, love, and longings, until her now-quite-advanced-age. I couldn’t comprehend how a sixty-plus-woman can still dream of love and longing instead of contemplating the wisdom and maturity of age. After years of writing and teaching, she hasn’t moved at all from where she was, whereas I have moved much distance and space through the inspiration she had instilled. I changed much since then. Most of all, I’ve learned to look forward to living in the present moment, with patience, discipline and compassion; not keep looking back to search for or wishing for what could have been. That was the wisdom I’ve acquired from the path she had shown me, but not she herself it seems had ever stepped out. Maybe she was a day-dreamer not a visionary…

Are you a day-dreamer or a visionary? The difference between vision and day dreaming is whether we put action on it or not in our inspiration right now. The action do not have to be huge or impressive like moving a mountain with super heroic strength; but one shovel by one shovel, doing a bit extra than what we can, what we are willing to do today. Its tiny efforts culminates, uplifting our spirit, generating more energy; in turn, inspiring us to live upto our own expectation of being “somebody” we wanted to be, living the life of our dream that is enjoyable, enchanting, enduring, enriching and enlightening in this very moment, not sometime in the future.

When our inspirations are not put into action, then it translate into day dreaming with lots of complains, dissatisfaction, unhappiness; wasting much of life energy and time with unnecessary worries, concerns and fears. That makes our spirit to sink down day by day, digressing and deteriorating our mentality to the most comfortable time frame that which is childhood. Haven’t you heard of old people behaving like little kids? How do we know we wouldn’t be like them? That’s scary even to imagine of it.

Once we let our dreams become a faint memory, haunting us with flat and lackluster daily life, the inner demons in us become stronger. It vibrates vacuum, hollow echoes, with the powerful needs to possess and control endlessly. They demand to fill in with more material possessions, all kinds of health and life insurances, and assurance from loved ones to stand by our sides forever, as though any life’s misfortune should never strike us but others. We become control freaks and liability to those around us. Life becomes suffering, not because we are going through a great deal of tragedy, but because, like how Thoreau puts it, we join those who are living lives of quiet desperation—unfulfilled, unhappy and uncertain of what to do. I certainly don’t want anyone that I know to end up there. Our life is too precious to squander away like that.

Why don’t you quiet down the voice of insecurity, fears and concerns, and go down deeper into your heart; you can find the forgotten little kid who once held so much hope and inspiration to be “somebody”, to live the life of dream, meanings and fulfillment. The “somebody” doesn’t have to be super famous or successful; but, of whom caring and sharing with the people around you of your gifts; of whom you can be proud and respect for the integrity, efforts, clarity s/he holds; of whom not looking back but forward to ever grow and expand life experience. What separated us from him/her? Just a small step of action to start the shoveling to make the dream to come true…

Do you need to be more confident first to pursue your dreams? Then, you can start from today, by doing the very things you are reluctant to do. Counting one breath in, one breath out, stretch right, left, front and back... When the body is healthy, in shape; when the breathing is even and smooth, confidence is just there for you to pick up. Do you want to be happier, calmer, and more serene? Then, settle down the monkey mind and watch your breaths or meditate regularly. The monkey transforms into the heroic Sun-Woo-Kung. Daily shoveling, daily tiny efforts, starting from today, will shorten the distance of our dream to be the reality that we could live one day in the near future. It is never too late to live the dream as long as we don’t let it loose from our fingers. We just need to be awakened in the present moment of self-reflection and action. All will be fine and dandy. That’s the gift of life, the ability to be self-aware to bring about changes, whenever we are ready, whenever we want to, and wherever we are…