My hubby often used the word “crude.” I had difficulty grasping the exact meaning of it. Of course, when I look into my Korean-English dictionary, its literary meaning is clearly explained, of being rough, unrefined. But how he uses it in what context? It took me sometime to actually understand it. There is another word that I had battled with; it is “refinement.” It means to improve, fine-tune or polish up. Our teachers often used this word during my graduate study of Indian Philosophy. My English comprehension was not up to the standard yet in those early days. So I was blur whenever I heard it that didn’t quite ring the bell in my awareness.
In the Patanjali Yoga Sutra, the foremost important Yoga text written by the Sage Pantanjali in the ancient India about 2 500 years ago, it is stated that refinement is one of the most important, practical tools of Yogic path to bring about the fruits of Enlightenment. “Sutra” means “thread.” Like thread, once we start pulling one end of its bundle, the rest will automatically come along; describing the consequential process that unfold naturally in the path of yoga. The Sutra is one of the most important scared treatises for yoga practitioners to study as it reveals how our untrained, crude body, mind and being, have to go through the process of thorough cleansing taming, inside out-outside in, for refinement if we were to reap the fruits of enlightenment and ultimate happiness.
Enlightenment and ultimate happiness… they are really big words, causally used among New Age circles but remain as illusive as an oasis in the desert to the most people. Many assume that spiritual life means living like ascetics, away from the hustle-bustles of worldly affairs to meditate for hours, days, months in a mountain cave to realize God. We all are ordinary people, living ordinary life; go to work, take care of bills and family, worry about what to eat or cook, with numerous concerns of our health and future. If we are practicing yoga and meditation, it is more for releasing stress and shed some extra pounds. We don’t really relate our everyday living with the grand spiritual propaganda.
Years back, when I got into reading Indian mysticism like Rajneesh, Krishnamurthy and others, there were plenty of stories about some tough sadhus (spiritual renunciates) doing severe penances, Tapas; like standing in one leg with one arm raised forever until they can see God, piercing tongues and cheeks or walking on fire to prove their spiritual resolution, or fasting for months until only skeletons are left in the body to reach enlightenment in this very life. I said, gee…it’s not for me. No way I could do that, thereby no chance for me to even dream about meeting God or getting enlighten in this life time. But Yoga and meditation helped me to relieve my mental stress and the chronicle headaches I was suffering then, by being a financial controller in a company. So my motivation of taking this yogic path was purely to find the cures for my health problem, nothing to do with enlightenment.
However it led me one another in the way I had never imagined or planned. It was not until much later that I realized enlightenment is not the final acquisition but is the process of expanding our experiences and awareness while learning to live this very life as real as it can be. The very things we do everyday; waking up, going to toilet, cleaning, working, eating, even getting sick…they are all important chances to cultivate our inborn spirituality if done mindfully. When we plant a seed, whether it is visible or not in our naked eyes, given some time and regular watering, it definitely grows into a tree with branches, leaves and fruits. I planted a seed in me without thinking much about what it would bring. There were winds, rains, and sometimes storms threatening to uproot, but I persisted. There were also joys, happiness and achievements by seeing the seed growing, much more than what I had bargained for initially. From the quiet and timid country girl, I somehow managed to become this middle aged woman with much laughter and reasons to celebrate life, and whose husband and kid can no longer make her angry easily. Most of all, I have become much more patient and peaceful that I am no longer a liability but a source of comfort and strength to the people I love.
Now I realize these two, crude and refinement, are the most beautiful and best summarizing words of what our human life is about. Because we constantly transform from somewhat crude, immature beings like cocoon into something more refine, gorgeous human beings like butterfly; given some time, awareness, efforts, patience and faith.
Now I realize that living spiritual life means not trying to become some superhuman with clairvoyant abilities but to become the best human being we can be as wife, husband, mother, father, friends, children to our parents, employee and employer, and citizens to the country. The best place to cultivate our spiritual growth is not somewhere hidden in the forest but this very ordinary life we have; living our feet immersed in the pools of mud, the world, to serve our family and society while not forgetting to cultivate virtues like friendship, compassion and happiness. Real spiritual experiences are not about acquiring supernormal powers like walking through fire, water, wall or levitating; but are about how much we can expand our heart to embrace all humanity without prejudice, judgment and alienation. Wherever we are, whatever we are, young and old, rich and poor, famous or ordinary…the life we have right now, more or less, is our best chance to cultivate full enlightenment. The challenge is maintaining the focus despite numerous distractions that would come along the way before we can see actual blossoming of the lotus flower from our heart.
It is heart-aching to me every time; to see many giving up too easily at the first sight of one or two initial road blocks; illness, laziness, carelessness, doubt, sleep, lack of the ability to experience Samadhi (spiritual joy) and the ability to maintain Samadhi… they are the obstacles listed in the Sutra that which is universal for everyone. They are our inert crudeness that has to be dropped away, to be overcome with consistent efforts and refinement. If we keep running away, avoid looking at it directly beyond those ugly parts, then we will never know who we really are, how much more we can do to grow, to be better than right now. A sculptor saw a beautiful Buddha statue hidden inside a huge mountain rock. All he did was sculpting away some rough parts that was surrounded the statue. He rescued him from oblivion to life; to last generations so that others could pay homage to its magnificent presence.
So what are we to do? We exercise despite not feeling like it or tired if we want to stay healthy and fit. We meditate if we want to have clearer mind, be calmer and happier despite feeling too busy to sit down quietly. We continue practice to finish full exhalation despite the temptation to breathe in and out as fast as we can. We eat, talk, walk and work mindfully despite our tendency to space out… Then in no time, we could sculpt out the best statue out of us that which ourselves can be proud and contented with, for our grand, great-grand children could respect and emulate to become. For me, that is the most spiritual way of living…
Friday, October 31, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Story 12. You, I and We
When my now twelve-year-old son Edwin was about two years old, just learning to speak in short sentences, he had difficulty grasping the difference between “you” and “I.” He was fast in his language development for his age, except that he couldn’t differentiate the use of “I” and “you.” As I was referring him as “you” and myself “I”, he also did that. He himself was “you” and I, his mom, was “I.” I couldn’t make him understand to be switched the other way when referring to one self. So I let him be. However, soon after he was using its term correctly, himself as “I” and others as “you.” I wasn’t sure how he got it. There on, he was quite clear about the fact that he is a separate being from mommy, daddy or other people. He exhibited a strong sense of self even in that tender age of not-yet-three.
As for me, I don’t remember since when I started perceive myself as an independent “I” but it came rather late, maybe in my late teen or early twenty. Of course being an aloof and reserved kid didn’t help much in forming a clearer self-identity early. And yet, in retrospect, I think it was more to do with my native Korean language. The structure of its language is such that, we seldom refer or separate our self from the other either “you” or “I”, but have tendency to refer uniformly as “we” “us” “ours”…etc. Instead of saying “I want/do/like…” we say as “we want/do/like…” Instead of saying “my family/house/parents/friends…” we say as “our family/house/parents/friends…”
Now, after years of speaking English, that which requires clearer distinction between “you, I or we,” so that the listeners can be understood clearly, I became rather hesitant in my choice of using them. “You” sounds too pinpointing; “I” sounds too self-centered… and I don’t like to be personal. Thereby, I still don’t have much strong concept on “you” or “I” and I don’t feel the need to strengthen it either. I prefer to be no-one. Then I can be anyone to understand others better in their shoes. So, I either skip or still prefer using “we” “us” in my language usage. I guess blood is stronger than water.
Language, beside culture, is one of the most powerful tools in conditioning our thinking, behavioral and responsive patterns. The collective functioning mode in a group, either in positive or negative way, works especially powerful in things the Koreans do; see how the small country like Korea, still divided into two continents, can excel in so many various areas globally; technology, research and academia, culture, sports, etc, competing with gigantic countries like US, China, or Japan? Virtually an unknown country to the world, they achieved the developed status in so short periods of time, mostly in the last two decades. Don’t miss out also to notice how good they are at picketing or sabotaging to protect certain group’s interest. The country never has had a shortage in finding faults to quarrel about or a cause to unite together. They are masters in uniting or alienating in any given situation in almost light speeds.
I was a black sheep when I was growing up in there. I couldn’t associate or identify myself like how other Koreans do. I was a loner. Then, I am a foreigner in here, Malaysia, in where my family, friends and life are. I do not know where I belong but do not have to belong anywhere either. Not having to have a fixed position allows me to see life in a neutral way, without much need to take a side, or cling onto. Not living within the boundary of same culture and language, have its advantages as well as disadvantages. The occasional bouts of loneliness and isolation at times, are one of the things I have to live with. But in life, we can’t expect for perfection. I choose to see the bright side instead; as a universal citizen myself with universal religion like water, as descried in the Zhuang-zi.
I don’t have to identify with anything or anybody; so that I can freely flow. I don’t have to be troubled with each changing conditions of scenery or weather; when there are obstacles of rocks, twigs, I can simply go around or go along with. Leaves of trees are always falling, birds are chirping and monkeys are skipping around; sometimes rain, sometimes sunny, windy or breeze… That’s life, as they say. When I can come to terms with changing conditions of life, then, I feel easier to deal with anything in life and without much to fear about.
We have the body that is constantly changing; we have the mind and emotion that are always moving and fluctuating; we have memories of the past, impressions of the present that which continuously molding our future; we have different hats wearing to fit into different family and social roles. However, none of it can really define who the real “I” is; that which we take it so seriously with. What we take as “I” is “you” to the one we are relating. For who “you” is to me, is “I” to you… Are there any difference between “you” and “I”? Who the “you” is that we take it so differently and thereby, alienating? As the Zhuang-zi wasn’t sure whether he was the butterfly in his dream or the butterfly him in his awakened state; how sure are we, of what we think as “I” today, will be the same tomorrow?
I know, it starts to sound very confusing. The bottom line is, at times, we are too attached to the view of being certain “I”; to how “I” think, “I” feel, “I” do and “I” suppose to be… The “I” becomes too central, too important and absolute that it often lacks perspective and consideration to the rest of the world. “I” insist that “my” family and children should be the best; “my” money, property, and prestige are the top priority than others’. “I” become easily afraid, insecure about losing anything that belongs to “me”; “I” become jealous and depressive if “you” become richer, better than “me.” Thereby, it springs the many ugly things out from the Pandora’s Box preventing us to enjoy harmonious life together. Life became suffering, discontented, and unhappiness, rather than joyful and heavenly. We need to shift our focus.
Everybody knows that the earth circles around the sun astronomically; and yet, we take this position the sun circling around the earth astrologically; because it is more convenient to assume that we are at the center of the universe. Yet no one will argue about the fact that the earth is not the center but the sun is. Everybody knows that there are millions of other people have lived, living and will live with the same “I” concepts. And yet, the one “I” holding in this body, mind and emotion with “my” family, social, cultural backgrounds is too much important than any of the rest “I”. My finger cut, my stomach upset is more urgent than the one who got disfigured from bomb, the hunger of African children; because it is happening to the “I” not “you.” We can be so absurdly selfish and unreasonable, especially when we are lacking in perspective about life as a whole.
Why don’t we see more as “we” “us” “ours”? We need more warmth, acceptance and compassion in our heart if we were to nourish the various relationships in our life, not only with fellow human beings but with even animals and unanimous objects of nature like trees, plants or rocks. Then, much of our human conflicts, deceits, and other social crimes of the society; wastage, pollutions, and other numerous things we human do to cause environmental destructions, can be much less and under control. In turn, the earth will be a better living place for the generations to come, not just for “my” “my kids” time only…
How sad is that we can’t see the countless blessings our life has inherited? When God has created us human in His image, He never meant us to suffer but to enjoy the best of everything. It was our forgetfulness, narrow mindedness that has separated from our original divine nature to be otherwise; to act with hatred, to cause conspiracy, conflicts, arguments, back biting, etc. We need to turn around our awareness from “I” “you” to “we”, like Copernicus.’ He had discovered that the earth is round not flat like how his generation had believed. His precious discovery didn’t bring any minus to our life; instead it brought great advancement of modern science elevating the qualities of life beyond his generation’s comprehension. Shifting perception from where “I” “you” stance to where “we” stance can also bring us greater unity and collective happiness; to the land of utopia, to the Pure Land, to Enlightenment. That is the uniformed promise made in various spiritual scriptures.
So what do we do? Let’s choose to be happy and joyful. We choose to be open, generous and forgiving. Whether be good or bad, we choose not to be so excited or be miserable about. Then we can allow things, people, events of life come and go easily. Whatever happens to “I” become not so painful, disastrous or difficult; instead we can remember to relax with “this shall pass.” Whatever good things happen to “I”, we don’t become so afraid to loose or disappear; instead we could enjoy its fruits until it last. Fortunes and misfortunes, happiness and unhappiness fluctuate like seasons. Yet we can still enjoy each moments without reservation or fear. That is the joy of becoming like water so that we can experience our life flowing, growing each moment and look forward to be eventually united with the ocean. I, you, and we… really there are not much difference because your happiness is my happiness and our happiness, and vice versa. So let’s loose our grips on too personal themes; instead why not, learned to see, be united as “we” like one big community. Who knows what kinds of miracles it would bring?
As for me, I don’t remember since when I started perceive myself as an independent “I” but it came rather late, maybe in my late teen or early twenty. Of course being an aloof and reserved kid didn’t help much in forming a clearer self-identity early. And yet, in retrospect, I think it was more to do with my native Korean language. The structure of its language is such that, we seldom refer or separate our self from the other either “you” or “I”, but have tendency to refer uniformly as “we” “us” “ours”…etc. Instead of saying “I want/do/like…” we say as “we want/do/like…” Instead of saying “my family/house/parents/friends…” we say as “our family/house/parents/friends…”
Now, after years of speaking English, that which requires clearer distinction between “you, I or we,” so that the listeners can be understood clearly, I became rather hesitant in my choice of using them. “You” sounds too pinpointing; “I” sounds too self-centered… and I don’t like to be personal. Thereby, I still don’t have much strong concept on “you” or “I” and I don’t feel the need to strengthen it either. I prefer to be no-one. Then I can be anyone to understand others better in their shoes. So, I either skip or still prefer using “we” “us” in my language usage. I guess blood is stronger than water.
Language, beside culture, is one of the most powerful tools in conditioning our thinking, behavioral and responsive patterns. The collective functioning mode in a group, either in positive or negative way, works especially powerful in things the Koreans do; see how the small country like Korea, still divided into two continents, can excel in so many various areas globally; technology, research and academia, culture, sports, etc, competing with gigantic countries like US, China, or Japan? Virtually an unknown country to the world, they achieved the developed status in so short periods of time, mostly in the last two decades. Don’t miss out also to notice how good they are at picketing or sabotaging to protect certain group’s interest. The country never has had a shortage in finding faults to quarrel about or a cause to unite together. They are masters in uniting or alienating in any given situation in almost light speeds.
I was a black sheep when I was growing up in there. I couldn’t associate or identify myself like how other Koreans do. I was a loner. Then, I am a foreigner in here, Malaysia, in where my family, friends and life are. I do not know where I belong but do not have to belong anywhere either. Not having to have a fixed position allows me to see life in a neutral way, without much need to take a side, or cling onto. Not living within the boundary of same culture and language, have its advantages as well as disadvantages. The occasional bouts of loneliness and isolation at times, are one of the things I have to live with. But in life, we can’t expect for perfection. I choose to see the bright side instead; as a universal citizen myself with universal religion like water, as descried in the Zhuang-zi.
I don’t have to identify with anything or anybody; so that I can freely flow. I don’t have to be troubled with each changing conditions of scenery or weather; when there are obstacles of rocks, twigs, I can simply go around or go along with. Leaves of trees are always falling, birds are chirping and monkeys are skipping around; sometimes rain, sometimes sunny, windy or breeze… That’s life, as they say. When I can come to terms with changing conditions of life, then, I feel easier to deal with anything in life and without much to fear about.
We have the body that is constantly changing; we have the mind and emotion that are always moving and fluctuating; we have memories of the past, impressions of the present that which continuously molding our future; we have different hats wearing to fit into different family and social roles. However, none of it can really define who the real “I” is; that which we take it so seriously with. What we take as “I” is “you” to the one we are relating. For who “you” is to me, is “I” to you… Are there any difference between “you” and “I”? Who the “you” is that we take it so differently and thereby, alienating? As the Zhuang-zi wasn’t sure whether he was the butterfly in his dream or the butterfly him in his awakened state; how sure are we, of what we think as “I” today, will be the same tomorrow?
I know, it starts to sound very confusing. The bottom line is, at times, we are too attached to the view of being certain “I”; to how “I” think, “I” feel, “I” do and “I” suppose to be… The “I” becomes too central, too important and absolute that it often lacks perspective and consideration to the rest of the world. “I” insist that “my” family and children should be the best; “my” money, property, and prestige are the top priority than others’. “I” become easily afraid, insecure about losing anything that belongs to “me”; “I” become jealous and depressive if “you” become richer, better than “me.” Thereby, it springs the many ugly things out from the Pandora’s Box preventing us to enjoy harmonious life together. Life became suffering, discontented, and unhappiness, rather than joyful and heavenly. We need to shift our focus.
Everybody knows that the earth circles around the sun astronomically; and yet, we take this position the sun circling around the earth astrologically; because it is more convenient to assume that we are at the center of the universe. Yet no one will argue about the fact that the earth is not the center but the sun is. Everybody knows that there are millions of other people have lived, living and will live with the same “I” concepts. And yet, the one “I” holding in this body, mind and emotion with “my” family, social, cultural backgrounds is too much important than any of the rest “I”. My finger cut, my stomach upset is more urgent than the one who got disfigured from bomb, the hunger of African children; because it is happening to the “I” not “you.” We can be so absurdly selfish and unreasonable, especially when we are lacking in perspective about life as a whole.
Why don’t we see more as “we” “us” “ours”? We need more warmth, acceptance and compassion in our heart if we were to nourish the various relationships in our life, not only with fellow human beings but with even animals and unanimous objects of nature like trees, plants or rocks. Then, much of our human conflicts, deceits, and other social crimes of the society; wastage, pollutions, and other numerous things we human do to cause environmental destructions, can be much less and under control. In turn, the earth will be a better living place for the generations to come, not just for “my” “my kids” time only…
How sad is that we can’t see the countless blessings our life has inherited? When God has created us human in His image, He never meant us to suffer but to enjoy the best of everything. It was our forgetfulness, narrow mindedness that has separated from our original divine nature to be otherwise; to act with hatred, to cause conspiracy, conflicts, arguments, back biting, etc. We need to turn around our awareness from “I” “you” to “we”, like Copernicus.’ He had discovered that the earth is round not flat like how his generation had believed. His precious discovery didn’t bring any minus to our life; instead it brought great advancement of modern science elevating the qualities of life beyond his generation’s comprehension. Shifting perception from where “I” “you” stance to where “we” stance can also bring us greater unity and collective happiness; to the land of utopia, to the Pure Land, to Enlightenment. That is the uniformed promise made in various spiritual scriptures.
So what do we do? Let’s choose to be happy and joyful. We choose to be open, generous and forgiving. Whether be good or bad, we choose not to be so excited or be miserable about. Then we can allow things, people, events of life come and go easily. Whatever happens to “I” become not so painful, disastrous or difficult; instead we can remember to relax with “this shall pass.” Whatever good things happen to “I”, we don’t become so afraid to loose or disappear; instead we could enjoy its fruits until it last. Fortunes and misfortunes, happiness and unhappiness fluctuate like seasons. Yet we can still enjoy each moments without reservation or fear. That is the joy of becoming like water so that we can experience our life flowing, growing each moment and look forward to be eventually united with the ocean. I, you, and we… really there are not much difference because your happiness is my happiness and our happiness, and vice versa. So let’s loose our grips on too personal themes; instead why not, learned to see, be united as “we” like one big community. Who knows what kinds of miracles it would bring?
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Story 11. Hold onto that dream, and never let it loose
As a child, many of us dreamt of becoming somebody important when we grow up; artists, musician, writer, professor, lawyer, doctor, scientist, businessman, politician or even president. Our parents held high expectation of us; we believed in them as young children. Each in its own, yet, we all had this tiny, seeds of heroism; wanting to become somebody who is larger than real life; longing for holism who can contribute something noble to others by doing charity and good deeds like Mother Teresa or Nelson Mandela.
However, as time went by, much of childhood dreams went wayside, conforming to the reality that will promise better job, financial security, family welfare or safer future. Dreams remained as dream while, time to time, we harbor over something is missing, incomplete, kinds of feeling in the occasional moments of emptiness from our ordinary life. Many bury the inner voice of doubt, the sense of dissatisfaction, deep down below the navel; to TV, alcohol, smoke, sports, sex, shopping, holidays, or quest for more money, fame, power, etc. Some others delve into a bit deeper; exploring self motivation courses, new age movements, spiritualism or religions. Still some others dare to go out to uncover the cause of fundamental discontentment; changing career or divorces in the middle age, going back to school after retirement, traveling the 3rd countries, migrating into different countries and cultures, or even renouncing into religious order or monastery.
And yet, rare are those who have found the true calling, the cause to dedicate their life to live the life of their dream and fulfillment, that which do not often directly equate with financial, material comforts and worldly success. Rare it might be, though, occasional glimpse of those people, who have found their inner voice and the ways to express it through their life, are the sparkling inspirations for the rest of us, to rekindle our much unsung dreams with hope. They are like the silver linings in our monotonous life to remind us the forgotten dream buried deep in our heart.
What was your dream? Are you what you dreamt of and content with how your life turned out be right now? Or are you still waiting for someday, someone or somewhere over the rainbow that will bring clearer answer, more happiness and meanings in your life? The sense of longing, the sound of echo from unfulfilled dream, thus, haunting us every now and then, I often wonder how other people can cope to live with it…that’s why I am writing my heart out; so that I might come to know what’s in other’s heart (a busy body myself..). By doing so, I only wish to relate with people better; to learn, to grow together.
As for me, I didn’t have any dream or ambition to become anything at all. My parents also didn’t expect much of me. I was a stubborn second daughter, neither smart like my elder sister nor sweet like my younger sister, but unhappy and aloof lot who was just left there in her own inner world, seldom mixing or playing with others. I didn’t know what I want or why I was unhappy. Not interested in schooling either, my grades were mediocre. Reading books and pouring out my heart in the diary was my only escapade. I was disinterested in anything else, getting bored easily in everything; a born pessimist, you could say.
One day, in my late teen, my elder sister bought an essay book written by a renowned poet, titled “whispering to the wind.” It was beautiful, delicate and emotional outcries of the author that she put onto talking to “someone out there,” not an actual person. It captured my own emotional frequency, my self-reflecting nature. There on, I embarked the journey of self discovery, the inner voice of someone calling me, to somewhere unknown world. I followed the movement of my mind, my emotion that fluctuated like wind with naïve expectation that it would be as beautiful as how the poet had described. But it wasn’t. The journey was not at all easy or pretty; instead, it was often frightening, dreary and lonely. I often resented the path but somehow couldn’t give it up. After decades of going round and round, I’ve found my voice and the way to express my being on which I’m still treading, by teaching and sharing knowledge, in a hope to help others find their inner voice and the ways to express; to be somebody they wanted to be, to contribute to their happiness. In turn, it doubles, triples my own happiness.
It was amazing when I recently came across with the same author’s books who had initiated me into the life journey of chasing dream. While I was following the direction where my wind pointed at and trying to live the very life she had idealized, she herself hadn’t moved at all, still talking about same wind, love, and longings, until her now-quite-advanced-age. I couldn’t comprehend how a sixty-plus-woman can still dream of love and longing instead of contemplating the wisdom and maturity of age. After years of writing and teaching, she hasn’t moved at all from where she was, whereas I have moved much distance and space through the inspiration she had instilled. I changed much since then. Most of all, I’ve learned to look forward to living in the present moment, with patience, discipline and compassion; not keep looking back to search for or wishing for what could have been. That was the wisdom I’ve acquired from the path she had shown me, but not she herself it seems had ever stepped out. Maybe she was a day-dreamer not a visionary…
Are you a day-dreamer or a visionary? The difference between vision and day dreaming is whether we put action on it or not in our inspiration right now. The action do not have to be huge or impressive like moving a mountain with super heroic strength; but one shovel by one shovel, doing a bit extra than what we can, what we are willing to do today. Its tiny efforts culminates, uplifting our spirit, generating more energy; in turn, inspiring us to live upto our own expectation of being “somebody” we wanted to be, living the life of our dream that is enjoyable, enchanting, enduring, enriching and enlightening in this very moment, not sometime in the future.
When our inspirations are not put into action, then it translate into day dreaming with lots of complains, dissatisfaction, unhappiness; wasting much of life energy and time with unnecessary worries, concerns and fears. That makes our spirit to sink down day by day, digressing and deteriorating our mentality to the most comfortable time frame that which is childhood. Haven’t you heard of old people behaving like little kids? How do we know we wouldn’t be like them? That’s scary even to imagine of it.
Once we let our dreams become a faint memory, haunting us with flat and lackluster daily life, the inner demons in us become stronger. It vibrates vacuum, hollow echoes, with the powerful needs to possess and control endlessly. They demand to fill in with more material possessions, all kinds of health and life insurances, and assurance from loved ones to stand by our sides forever, as though any life’s misfortune should never strike us but others. We become control freaks and liability to those around us. Life becomes suffering, not because we are going through a great deal of tragedy, but because, like how Thoreau puts it, we join those who are living lives of quiet desperation—unfulfilled, unhappy and uncertain of what to do. I certainly don’t want anyone that I know to end up there. Our life is too precious to squander away like that.
Why don’t you quiet down the voice of insecurity, fears and concerns, and go down deeper into your heart; you can find the forgotten little kid who once held so much hope and inspiration to be “somebody”, to live the life of dream, meanings and fulfillment. The “somebody” doesn’t have to be super famous or successful; but, of whom caring and sharing with the people around you of your gifts; of whom you can be proud and respect for the integrity, efforts, clarity s/he holds; of whom not looking back but forward to ever grow and expand life experience. What separated us from him/her? Just a small step of action to start the shoveling to make the dream to come true…
Do you need to be more confident first to pursue your dreams? Then, you can start from today, by doing the very things you are reluctant to do. Counting one breath in, one breath out, stretch right, left, front and back... When the body is healthy, in shape; when the breathing is even and smooth, confidence is just there for you to pick up. Do you want to be happier, calmer, and more serene? Then, settle down the monkey mind and watch your breaths or meditate regularly. The monkey transforms into the heroic Sun-Woo-Kung. Daily shoveling, daily tiny efforts, starting from today, will shorten the distance of our dream to be the reality that we could live one day in the near future. It is never too late to live the dream as long as we don’t let it loose from our fingers. We just need to be awakened in the present moment of self-reflection and action. All will be fine and dandy. That’s the gift of life, the ability to be self-aware to bring about changes, whenever we are ready, whenever we want to, and wherever we are…
However, as time went by, much of childhood dreams went wayside, conforming to the reality that will promise better job, financial security, family welfare or safer future. Dreams remained as dream while, time to time, we harbor over something is missing, incomplete, kinds of feeling in the occasional moments of emptiness from our ordinary life. Many bury the inner voice of doubt, the sense of dissatisfaction, deep down below the navel; to TV, alcohol, smoke, sports, sex, shopping, holidays, or quest for more money, fame, power, etc. Some others delve into a bit deeper; exploring self motivation courses, new age movements, spiritualism or religions. Still some others dare to go out to uncover the cause of fundamental discontentment; changing career or divorces in the middle age, going back to school after retirement, traveling the 3rd countries, migrating into different countries and cultures, or even renouncing into religious order or monastery.
And yet, rare are those who have found the true calling, the cause to dedicate their life to live the life of their dream and fulfillment, that which do not often directly equate with financial, material comforts and worldly success. Rare it might be, though, occasional glimpse of those people, who have found their inner voice and the ways to express it through their life, are the sparkling inspirations for the rest of us, to rekindle our much unsung dreams with hope. They are like the silver linings in our monotonous life to remind us the forgotten dream buried deep in our heart.
What was your dream? Are you what you dreamt of and content with how your life turned out be right now? Or are you still waiting for someday, someone or somewhere over the rainbow that will bring clearer answer, more happiness and meanings in your life? The sense of longing, the sound of echo from unfulfilled dream, thus, haunting us every now and then, I often wonder how other people can cope to live with it…that’s why I am writing my heart out; so that I might come to know what’s in other’s heart (a busy body myself..). By doing so, I only wish to relate with people better; to learn, to grow together.
As for me, I didn’t have any dream or ambition to become anything at all. My parents also didn’t expect much of me. I was a stubborn second daughter, neither smart like my elder sister nor sweet like my younger sister, but unhappy and aloof lot who was just left there in her own inner world, seldom mixing or playing with others. I didn’t know what I want or why I was unhappy. Not interested in schooling either, my grades were mediocre. Reading books and pouring out my heart in the diary was my only escapade. I was disinterested in anything else, getting bored easily in everything; a born pessimist, you could say.
One day, in my late teen, my elder sister bought an essay book written by a renowned poet, titled “whispering to the wind.” It was beautiful, delicate and emotional outcries of the author that she put onto talking to “someone out there,” not an actual person. It captured my own emotional frequency, my self-reflecting nature. There on, I embarked the journey of self discovery, the inner voice of someone calling me, to somewhere unknown world. I followed the movement of my mind, my emotion that fluctuated like wind with naïve expectation that it would be as beautiful as how the poet had described. But it wasn’t. The journey was not at all easy or pretty; instead, it was often frightening, dreary and lonely. I often resented the path but somehow couldn’t give it up. After decades of going round and round, I’ve found my voice and the way to express my being on which I’m still treading, by teaching and sharing knowledge, in a hope to help others find their inner voice and the ways to express; to be somebody they wanted to be, to contribute to their happiness. In turn, it doubles, triples my own happiness.
It was amazing when I recently came across with the same author’s books who had initiated me into the life journey of chasing dream. While I was following the direction where my wind pointed at and trying to live the very life she had idealized, she herself hadn’t moved at all, still talking about same wind, love, and longings, until her now-quite-advanced-age. I couldn’t comprehend how a sixty-plus-woman can still dream of love and longing instead of contemplating the wisdom and maturity of age. After years of writing and teaching, she hasn’t moved at all from where she was, whereas I have moved much distance and space through the inspiration she had instilled. I changed much since then. Most of all, I’ve learned to look forward to living in the present moment, with patience, discipline and compassion; not keep looking back to search for or wishing for what could have been. That was the wisdom I’ve acquired from the path she had shown me, but not she herself it seems had ever stepped out. Maybe she was a day-dreamer not a visionary…
Are you a day-dreamer or a visionary? The difference between vision and day dreaming is whether we put action on it or not in our inspiration right now. The action do not have to be huge or impressive like moving a mountain with super heroic strength; but one shovel by one shovel, doing a bit extra than what we can, what we are willing to do today. Its tiny efforts culminates, uplifting our spirit, generating more energy; in turn, inspiring us to live upto our own expectation of being “somebody” we wanted to be, living the life of our dream that is enjoyable, enchanting, enduring, enriching and enlightening in this very moment, not sometime in the future.
When our inspirations are not put into action, then it translate into day dreaming with lots of complains, dissatisfaction, unhappiness; wasting much of life energy and time with unnecessary worries, concerns and fears. That makes our spirit to sink down day by day, digressing and deteriorating our mentality to the most comfortable time frame that which is childhood. Haven’t you heard of old people behaving like little kids? How do we know we wouldn’t be like them? That’s scary even to imagine of it.
Once we let our dreams become a faint memory, haunting us with flat and lackluster daily life, the inner demons in us become stronger. It vibrates vacuum, hollow echoes, with the powerful needs to possess and control endlessly. They demand to fill in with more material possessions, all kinds of health and life insurances, and assurance from loved ones to stand by our sides forever, as though any life’s misfortune should never strike us but others. We become control freaks and liability to those around us. Life becomes suffering, not because we are going through a great deal of tragedy, but because, like how Thoreau puts it, we join those who are living lives of quiet desperation—unfulfilled, unhappy and uncertain of what to do. I certainly don’t want anyone that I know to end up there. Our life is too precious to squander away like that.
Why don’t you quiet down the voice of insecurity, fears and concerns, and go down deeper into your heart; you can find the forgotten little kid who once held so much hope and inspiration to be “somebody”, to live the life of dream, meanings and fulfillment. The “somebody” doesn’t have to be super famous or successful; but, of whom caring and sharing with the people around you of your gifts; of whom you can be proud and respect for the integrity, efforts, clarity s/he holds; of whom not looking back but forward to ever grow and expand life experience. What separated us from him/her? Just a small step of action to start the shoveling to make the dream to come true…
Do you need to be more confident first to pursue your dreams? Then, you can start from today, by doing the very things you are reluctant to do. Counting one breath in, one breath out, stretch right, left, front and back... When the body is healthy, in shape; when the breathing is even and smooth, confidence is just there for you to pick up. Do you want to be happier, calmer, and more serene? Then, settle down the monkey mind and watch your breaths or meditate regularly. The monkey transforms into the heroic Sun-Woo-Kung. Daily shoveling, daily tiny efforts, starting from today, will shorten the distance of our dream to be the reality that we could live one day in the near future. It is never too late to live the dream as long as we don’t let it loose from our fingers. We just need to be awakened in the present moment of self-reflection and action. All will be fine and dandy. That’s the gift of life, the ability to be self-aware to bring about changes, whenever we are ready, whenever we want to, and wherever we are…
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Story 10. Alexander the Great
“Beth, Beth!! The Datuk passed away!! We have to cancel the Monday Yoga class!”
“Huh?? What do you mean the Datuk passed away? I just saw him last Wednesday!”
“Yes! He had an accident in his trip last Saturday and passed away!”
“…Is it?? Huh…”
“The funeral will be held in his house. Are you coming?”
“Yes, of course, I will…”
I was still in the state of shock searching for words to answer her call. We exchanged some more information about how to go his place and how he died from the recent Harley Davison motor bike trip in Thailand before we hang up the phone. I couldn’t believe the news I just received and my head was boggling trying to process the sudden, unexpected blow. He was so full of life when he said a good bye to me after the company yoga class. He told me of his impending short trip but still would be able to attend next Monday class.
“See you, Beth!” He gave me his usual big smile before he went out to the door.
“Okay! Enjoy your bike trip!”
“Thanks!”
He looked very calm and settled after sweating from Yoga. He was one of the most enthusiastic and regular yoga students, better than any of his staffs, despite his busy schedule as the CEO of a listed company.
The next day, I found my way to visit his house in Damansara. Many of the familiar faces from the yoga classes were there. The spacious double storey corner house was already arranged into a funeral house, with canopies, flowers, tables and chairs inside and outside of the house. At the side of the main door leading to the living room, there was an alter set up. The deceased was in the casket, clad in his formal uniform that he wore when he got conferred to a Datukship few months back. Handsome, tall and well-built body, dark skin with his attractive double-lid eyes closed as though sleeping, he looked just like in the Savasana (the relaxation or the dead men pose) that we used to do at the end of each classe. At the side of table in the living hall, I saw the young widow wearing black and looking exhausted. I introduced myself to her paying my condolence.
“Oh, you are Beth, the yoga instructor?”
Her teary eyes got bigger in surprise as she heard my name.
“Yes, I am.”
She hugged me crying and said,
“Oh, I will never forget you. He told me the story of Alexander the Great you told him before. He mentioned about you many times and enjoying your class tremendously. Thank you so much for coming!”
“…!?”
She said some more things but I couldn’t remember what. I was feeling too sorry for her, especially seeing the four-year-old eldest boy who just looked like the father and the sleeping little baby in another lady’s arm. And worse, she was carrying another one… As I came out of the house, I heard people talking about his accident and the afterward episodes including “number” that came out in the first prize after matching the date, address, time, etc, in his tragic moments. Some were quick to gamble in other people’s tragedy. With bits of talks here and there, I learned more details of his tragedy.
He was a much athletic person enjoying variety of sports. He even had a Scuba diver’s coach license. Riding the Harley Davison Motor Bike was his new hobby and went to Thailand together with the club for the weekend get-away. While riding in the country side of Thailand, he somehow got left behind the row and nobody knew how he ended up in the drain and for how long. By the time the fellow bikers turned back and found him in that dire state, he was already half-conscious. Because it was a remote place with no modern facility available nearby, he had to be carried in a “Tuk-Tuk”, the three wheel carrier of Thailand to the nearest hospital, that which was miles away. He passed away caused by internal bleeding soon after they reached in the hospital. Just like that, away from home, family and his people…I heard he was reluctant to take the trip but changed his mind last minute…
I left the house soon after and came back another day, following until the mortuary. We laid roses on his casket before the cremation, saying our silent good bye to him. He had many, many friends, associates, relatives and visitors alike. He was a charismatic young leader who was popular among people. His radiant smile, still so vivid in my memory even after 5 years, I often wonder how he would have been if he were to still around. Would he have continued Yoga? Would he have learned to slow down, relax and enjoy more freedom?
He was 41 years old, a promising young president who was kind, witty, humble and caring. He preferred to be called by his name, not by his titles or formal addressing. I was invited to conduct the company yoga classes, twice a week, for one year. It was open for all their staffs in all ranks. He joined in also from the very first class. He looked like in close relationship with his staffs without pretension. They were easy to him also. He was constantly cracking jokes making us laugh. But his body was telling me otherwise. It was very tight with laboring breaths. He was having difficulty in relaxing his muscles all around the body especially the chest, grunting every time he had to turn or bend. As time went by, I noticed him becoming more inward taking the back seat instead of the front as he used to be. One day, he wanted to talk with me after the class.
He wanted me to show him how to breathe and asked why he was feeling so difficult to follow the breathing I was directing. I pointed at his chest that was hard and frozen with barely any movement as he breathes. He considered himself a good breather by the training from scuba diving. No, he was using his will power to control the breathing, not necessarily by good breathing habits. Natural breathing is relaxing, calming and rejuvenating. It will free any tension in the body, not accumulating. His breathing muscles—intercostals and diaphragm, were not engaged at all when he breathes. He was breathing mostly from his upper chest through the mouth, not even nose. I put my hands on his chest and back guiding his breathing to be more natural and open, to breathe slower and deeper, not trying to control but to let go by trusting our body’s wisdom to maintain its homeostatic balance at all times once given the chances.
After another few “grunt, grunt, grunt…” he was finally able to follow my hands’ movement with his breathing. He felt much better after few minutes. Then he told me that he hardly sleeps at night. For the last ten years, he seldom slept for more than 5 hours a day busy running around for business and various social engagements. Understandable considering where he is right now in such a young age. He rose from the bottom to the top all through his own efforts, not by inheritance or other supports. Then, I told him the story of “Alexander the Great.”
Alexander the Great had a great ambition to conquer the world which he succeeded only half of it before he fell sick in a battlefield one day. After being unconscious from a high fever for more than a week, he saw the sunken bed in his body sized mark when he woke up. He sighed and said, “all the space I need to lay my body is just that much, and yet, I am rampaging around land to land trying to conquer the whole world…” It seems he never made it through the sickness, dying in a battlefield at the prime age of 33 accomplishing only half of what he sought for in the expense of so much sacrifices, wars and destructions including his own life.
So why do you have to rush, I asked him. What do you think you will have at the end? You are missing out a lot, not only your family, even your own health. It seems it triggered something in him. That night, he told his wife the story also. He seldom missed the yoga class ever since. But maybe it was a bit too late…
Many people do not have a perspective about life as a whole, lacking in direction but driven solely by desires or pressures, they blindly rush through life. They often forget what is important, what is more valuable in life. Life is more than just getting things done or becoming successful by the measurement of what others say, approve or how medias describe. Whatever we want to have or need to become outside of us is secondary to how we relate with ourselves within. Career, fame, money, power, social recognition, prize worthy spouse and children, or even spiritual achievements, etc…they are all part of life, not everything. If you don’t have time to enjoy the fruits of your labor, what’s the point running around to get those in the first place? If your heart is always in the state of fear, worry, anxiety; your mind is under constant stress and pressure; your body is tensed and suffering from various health problems; then what’s the point of living? We can’t keep measuring our worth and success in relation with others; the heart can never be in peace. If the heart is not content, no matter how much we accumulate or socially successful we become, we will never feel good enough. Following the calls of desires is like trying to put off fire with oil. The fire gets bigger every time. In no time, we will get burn. There will be always nicer things to have, more and more things to do, and less and less time to enjoy.
Let’s live one day at a time, enjoying what we have now and appreciating who we are today. You don’t have to reserve your happiness until someday or retirement day. Tomorrow will take care of itself. We live today in our best, tomorrow will be another day that you can do your best, and then, another day, another day…then, you can see how successful you already are today. Tomorrow will be another successful day for you! Stretch your arms, open your chest, stretch your muscles, do the breathing…flexible body, flexible mind uplift our spirit to share the gifts of life with our loved ones to the fullest today not tomorrow because tomorrow may never come or too late…I believe our beloved young Datuk rest in peace…
“Huh?? What do you mean the Datuk passed away? I just saw him last Wednesday!”
“Yes! He had an accident in his trip last Saturday and passed away!”
“…Is it?? Huh…”
“The funeral will be held in his house. Are you coming?”
“Yes, of course, I will…”
I was still in the state of shock searching for words to answer her call. We exchanged some more information about how to go his place and how he died from the recent Harley Davison motor bike trip in Thailand before we hang up the phone. I couldn’t believe the news I just received and my head was boggling trying to process the sudden, unexpected blow. He was so full of life when he said a good bye to me after the company yoga class. He told me of his impending short trip but still would be able to attend next Monday class.
“See you, Beth!” He gave me his usual big smile before he went out to the door.
“Okay! Enjoy your bike trip!”
“Thanks!”
He looked very calm and settled after sweating from Yoga. He was one of the most enthusiastic and regular yoga students, better than any of his staffs, despite his busy schedule as the CEO of a listed company.
The next day, I found my way to visit his house in Damansara. Many of the familiar faces from the yoga classes were there. The spacious double storey corner house was already arranged into a funeral house, with canopies, flowers, tables and chairs inside and outside of the house. At the side of the main door leading to the living room, there was an alter set up. The deceased was in the casket, clad in his formal uniform that he wore when he got conferred to a Datukship few months back. Handsome, tall and well-built body, dark skin with his attractive double-lid eyes closed as though sleeping, he looked just like in the Savasana (the relaxation or the dead men pose) that we used to do at the end of each classe. At the side of table in the living hall, I saw the young widow wearing black and looking exhausted. I introduced myself to her paying my condolence.
“Oh, you are Beth, the yoga instructor?”
Her teary eyes got bigger in surprise as she heard my name.
“Yes, I am.”
She hugged me crying and said,
“Oh, I will never forget you. He told me the story of Alexander the Great you told him before. He mentioned about you many times and enjoying your class tremendously. Thank you so much for coming!”
“…!?”
She said some more things but I couldn’t remember what. I was feeling too sorry for her, especially seeing the four-year-old eldest boy who just looked like the father and the sleeping little baby in another lady’s arm. And worse, she was carrying another one… As I came out of the house, I heard people talking about his accident and the afterward episodes including “number” that came out in the first prize after matching the date, address, time, etc, in his tragic moments. Some were quick to gamble in other people’s tragedy. With bits of talks here and there, I learned more details of his tragedy.
He was a much athletic person enjoying variety of sports. He even had a Scuba diver’s coach license. Riding the Harley Davison Motor Bike was his new hobby and went to Thailand together with the club for the weekend get-away. While riding in the country side of Thailand, he somehow got left behind the row and nobody knew how he ended up in the drain and for how long. By the time the fellow bikers turned back and found him in that dire state, he was already half-conscious. Because it was a remote place with no modern facility available nearby, he had to be carried in a “Tuk-Tuk”, the three wheel carrier of Thailand to the nearest hospital, that which was miles away. He passed away caused by internal bleeding soon after they reached in the hospital. Just like that, away from home, family and his people…I heard he was reluctant to take the trip but changed his mind last minute…
I left the house soon after and came back another day, following until the mortuary. We laid roses on his casket before the cremation, saying our silent good bye to him. He had many, many friends, associates, relatives and visitors alike. He was a charismatic young leader who was popular among people. His radiant smile, still so vivid in my memory even after 5 years, I often wonder how he would have been if he were to still around. Would he have continued Yoga? Would he have learned to slow down, relax and enjoy more freedom?
He was 41 years old, a promising young president who was kind, witty, humble and caring. He preferred to be called by his name, not by his titles or formal addressing. I was invited to conduct the company yoga classes, twice a week, for one year. It was open for all their staffs in all ranks. He joined in also from the very first class. He looked like in close relationship with his staffs without pretension. They were easy to him also. He was constantly cracking jokes making us laugh. But his body was telling me otherwise. It was very tight with laboring breaths. He was having difficulty in relaxing his muscles all around the body especially the chest, grunting every time he had to turn or bend. As time went by, I noticed him becoming more inward taking the back seat instead of the front as he used to be. One day, he wanted to talk with me after the class.
He wanted me to show him how to breathe and asked why he was feeling so difficult to follow the breathing I was directing. I pointed at his chest that was hard and frozen with barely any movement as he breathes. He considered himself a good breather by the training from scuba diving. No, he was using his will power to control the breathing, not necessarily by good breathing habits. Natural breathing is relaxing, calming and rejuvenating. It will free any tension in the body, not accumulating. His breathing muscles—intercostals and diaphragm, were not engaged at all when he breathes. He was breathing mostly from his upper chest through the mouth, not even nose. I put my hands on his chest and back guiding his breathing to be more natural and open, to breathe slower and deeper, not trying to control but to let go by trusting our body’s wisdom to maintain its homeostatic balance at all times once given the chances.
After another few “grunt, grunt, grunt…” he was finally able to follow my hands’ movement with his breathing. He felt much better after few minutes. Then he told me that he hardly sleeps at night. For the last ten years, he seldom slept for more than 5 hours a day busy running around for business and various social engagements. Understandable considering where he is right now in such a young age. He rose from the bottom to the top all through his own efforts, not by inheritance or other supports. Then, I told him the story of “Alexander the Great.”
Alexander the Great had a great ambition to conquer the world which he succeeded only half of it before he fell sick in a battlefield one day. After being unconscious from a high fever for more than a week, he saw the sunken bed in his body sized mark when he woke up. He sighed and said, “all the space I need to lay my body is just that much, and yet, I am rampaging around land to land trying to conquer the whole world…” It seems he never made it through the sickness, dying in a battlefield at the prime age of 33 accomplishing only half of what he sought for in the expense of so much sacrifices, wars and destructions including his own life.
So why do you have to rush, I asked him. What do you think you will have at the end? You are missing out a lot, not only your family, even your own health. It seems it triggered something in him. That night, he told his wife the story also. He seldom missed the yoga class ever since. But maybe it was a bit too late…
Many people do not have a perspective about life as a whole, lacking in direction but driven solely by desires or pressures, they blindly rush through life. They often forget what is important, what is more valuable in life. Life is more than just getting things done or becoming successful by the measurement of what others say, approve or how medias describe. Whatever we want to have or need to become outside of us is secondary to how we relate with ourselves within. Career, fame, money, power, social recognition, prize worthy spouse and children, or even spiritual achievements, etc…they are all part of life, not everything. If you don’t have time to enjoy the fruits of your labor, what’s the point running around to get those in the first place? If your heart is always in the state of fear, worry, anxiety; your mind is under constant stress and pressure; your body is tensed and suffering from various health problems; then what’s the point of living? We can’t keep measuring our worth and success in relation with others; the heart can never be in peace. If the heart is not content, no matter how much we accumulate or socially successful we become, we will never feel good enough. Following the calls of desires is like trying to put off fire with oil. The fire gets bigger every time. In no time, we will get burn. There will be always nicer things to have, more and more things to do, and less and less time to enjoy.
Let’s live one day at a time, enjoying what we have now and appreciating who we are today. You don’t have to reserve your happiness until someday or retirement day. Tomorrow will take care of itself. We live today in our best, tomorrow will be another day that you can do your best, and then, another day, another day…then, you can see how successful you already are today. Tomorrow will be another successful day for you! Stretch your arms, open your chest, stretch your muscles, do the breathing…flexible body, flexible mind uplift our spirit to share the gifts of life with our loved ones to the fullest today not tomorrow because tomorrow may never come or too late…I believe our beloved young Datuk rest in peace…
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Story 9. Others cry out, I cry in
For long time, ever since I left my home country Korea, I haven’t seen any dramas or follow their latest news and social trends. Then, one time, my yoga girls kept asking me whether I watched the “winter sonata.” “No. I haven’t.” Another time, they were asking “Ta-Chang-Jin.” “No, I don’t know…” Well, I’d got to solve that problem; I should know what they are talking about, at least to be on the same conversational level. So I borrowed the CD sets.
I didn’t finish the “winter sonata.” A touching love story but it was too dragging. So I watched the first few, the middle and the end episodes. It was enough to capture the whole story. The “Ta-Chang-Jin” ?? Oh, I finished the whole series from the beginning till the end because it was not just a love story but was an inspiring human example of how woman triumphed her destiny against all odds, obstacles and tragedy, beside showing lots of cultural culinary and the use of Chinese Medicine (my hubby’s expertise).
Since then, the Korean movies and artists are sweeping the world especially in the South East Asia by the storm. But I don’t watch them. Firstly, my brain will turn into “Konglish” pattern that it interrupts my communication ability in English. Secondly, why so many heroes and heroines must die with fatal diseases or accidents? Thirdly, I can’t tune my emotional wave length to the complicated love triangles in the boys-meet-girls, girls-meet-boys stories. Maybe already outdated myself… Much worse, I can’t cry in front of TV, engaged in the soap dramas, I can’t squeeze out my tears no matter how hard I try. Well, call me a cold hearted woman but I still can’t cry with a melodrama.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have emotion or cruel. In fact, I am one of the most emotionally sensitive women you can come across. I cry inside. I get affected easily in our real human relationships not in a factual drama life. I was born with a hyper sensitivity like my mother who was a master in nagging with all kinds of self-conjured up emotional reaction. Mine is a bit more refined than hers by the virtue of education and self-cultivation. But certainly my sharp sixth sense is an enormous burden to me. Whether it is a liability or asset I am not quite sure. I always had this pain in the chest easily troubling my sleep for days, churning the head, and repeating neurotic self-criticism on and on whenever I am embroiled in emotional conflicts regarding someone, something.
A platonic lover, a naïve believer in human’s selfless nature, I fall in love easily just to fall out of it as fast. I get moved easily to the kindness, caring interests, and sincerity from others just to get disappointed soon after. Because it always came with the conditions that are attached to it. If I give, then, you have to give to me; if l like, love you, you also have to love me... Slowly I have learned everyone is functioning from the level of self-interest and self-preservation. The more insecure the person is inside, the thicker and harder to break open their hearts. It broke my heart many times, to learn of what they say is different than what they have in mind. I learned the harsh truth in harsh ways; I fully trusted what people said, promised by the words, not the real intention behind the words. I would lose my sleep for days, whenever it turns out it was not. Not many were willing to let go of even tiny bits of self interests to keep up their words. That made me crying in, putting a sharp knife in my heart every time. But I still couldn’t change myself. I grew up seeing my parents keeping their words and actions exactly how they would say would do, so I naturally followed that pattern. They never had cheated or harsh on others, so I couldn’t also, even it costed me much mentally, emotionally as well as financially.
Then what did I do, especially when I got so upset, sad, fired up in my heart and head? I learned to turn the other way around. I learned meditation. I learned to tender my delicate emotional nature not by crying out, but by self reflecting, by stopping and contemplating to understand the human nature and life. Gradually I could leave some room for “otherwise” in interacting with people. Slowly I could understand why people are sometimes behaving otherwise despite their initial good intention, our fundamentally pure nature.
What makes freaks, cheats, criminals, thefts, crooks, and manias alike in the way they are despite their original pure nature just as we are? Circumstances, ignorance, insecurity, fear, misunderstanding and short sightedness … We are afraid that we might not have enough for our own, would get denied our rightful place and share in this game of life if we don’t keep vigilant. We get shaken and jealous easily because we translate other’s success as our minus.
In Buddhist term, there is “dependent origination,” meaning we all are connected to each other, whatever one thinks or does affecting one another, the entire universe, whether we might be aware or not. Life will go on as long as this universe is held in place, everybody having enough space and share in the meticulous web of cosmic matrix that our creator has designed. There is also the Biblical story that Jesus had exhibited how one piece of bread was enough to share among all the people of Jerusalem. Each religion assures the universal truth of abundance and protection for our life, but we lack in faith to trust that. That is ignorance, the cause of our much unhappiness, insecurity, suffering, misery, conflicts, and thereby many are lost in darkness, crying out, rather than living in joy, in bliss, that which is our birthright.
By realizing the birthright can we only be free ourselves; functioning from our inborn good nature; not accumulating, expecting or possessing more from our material worlds that which will be never enough. We all were born with the promise of supreme happiness, and yet we don’t know how to enjoy that. Go and dig out your old album to see the picture of your baby time. How innocent and sweet, fully trusting and blissful, were you? Somewhere along the way, we bought into other people’s remarks, insecure and insincere words about how people and life are, and we believed in them without testing with our own inner wisdom bestowed by the Nature. We also became insecure, fearful, clinging, needy, greedy, distrustful… That is what they call “conditioned reality” in Buddhist term.
Our real nature is neither the ugly, unstable emotional reaction nor the lost, abandoned inner child, but “emptiness” “pure brightness” that could become anything we can make it to be, never losing its original nature of abundance and purity. We don’t have to be so fanatical, possessive, but let it loose; let it relax a bit into the rhythm of life with faith and surrender. Then we can see why someone is behaving in certain way despite their intention. That is “compassion,” that is “love” that which binds us in humanity to share and rejoice together.
Through years of meditative practices, I haven’t seen any gods, goddesses or other celestials in my vision; but I have seen that true self of each person, including myself, always trying to do our best but succumbing to the circumstances occasionally making mistakes, fall, misunderstand… but given some time, they always come back… because we crave for goodness, betterment, togetherness, acceptance, compassion and love… If you have that, if I have that, no matter how much sometimes the other person causes pain in your heart, tearing apart your trust and affection, you can still tolerate and be able to wait until the tides can turn around… Let’s not be afraid to love and be hyper sensitive to others’ need, at the same time, let’s not expect the same would return from the same person. What goes around comes around. We will have our share and time.
I love people, life very much, but I can’t say, I can’t express freely now, especially by crying out. As I know how limited my perception, interpretation can be by the limited conditions my being carries. I wouldn’t know how dusty my inner mirror can be. So everyday, I breathe in, breathe out, and pausing in between. Then, somehow I can manage better. I still toss and turn, losing my sleep easily whenever I feel hurt by someone, something. Instead of turning my frustration, disappointment toward them, I would breathe in, breathe out, and waiting, waiting, waiting… until it can turn around the tides by itself. Enormous patience and discipline…by learning that I only could temper my hyper sensitive nature for better use; expanding awareness to embrace, to understand others better. It no longer matters how others are behaving. I don’t have to limit the space around others. I myself still can strive to be a better human being to expand my own space limitlessly. Then it seems life gets along just fine. That is why I can’t cry out, as there is not much I see it as greater sadness than seeing somebody forgetting his/her true nature of goodness, holiness…
I didn’t finish the “winter sonata.” A touching love story but it was too dragging. So I watched the first few, the middle and the end episodes. It was enough to capture the whole story. The “Ta-Chang-Jin” ?? Oh, I finished the whole series from the beginning till the end because it was not just a love story but was an inspiring human example of how woman triumphed her destiny against all odds, obstacles and tragedy, beside showing lots of cultural culinary and the use of Chinese Medicine (my hubby’s expertise).
Since then, the Korean movies and artists are sweeping the world especially in the South East Asia by the storm. But I don’t watch them. Firstly, my brain will turn into “Konglish” pattern that it interrupts my communication ability in English. Secondly, why so many heroes and heroines must die with fatal diseases or accidents? Thirdly, I can’t tune my emotional wave length to the complicated love triangles in the boys-meet-girls, girls-meet-boys stories. Maybe already outdated myself… Much worse, I can’t cry in front of TV, engaged in the soap dramas, I can’t squeeze out my tears no matter how hard I try. Well, call me a cold hearted woman but I still can’t cry with a melodrama.
That doesn’t mean I don’t have emotion or cruel. In fact, I am one of the most emotionally sensitive women you can come across. I cry inside. I get affected easily in our real human relationships not in a factual drama life. I was born with a hyper sensitivity like my mother who was a master in nagging with all kinds of self-conjured up emotional reaction. Mine is a bit more refined than hers by the virtue of education and self-cultivation. But certainly my sharp sixth sense is an enormous burden to me. Whether it is a liability or asset I am not quite sure. I always had this pain in the chest easily troubling my sleep for days, churning the head, and repeating neurotic self-criticism on and on whenever I am embroiled in emotional conflicts regarding someone, something.
A platonic lover, a naïve believer in human’s selfless nature, I fall in love easily just to fall out of it as fast. I get moved easily to the kindness, caring interests, and sincerity from others just to get disappointed soon after. Because it always came with the conditions that are attached to it. If I give, then, you have to give to me; if l like, love you, you also have to love me... Slowly I have learned everyone is functioning from the level of self-interest and self-preservation. The more insecure the person is inside, the thicker and harder to break open their hearts. It broke my heart many times, to learn of what they say is different than what they have in mind. I learned the harsh truth in harsh ways; I fully trusted what people said, promised by the words, not the real intention behind the words. I would lose my sleep for days, whenever it turns out it was not. Not many were willing to let go of even tiny bits of self interests to keep up their words. That made me crying in, putting a sharp knife in my heart every time. But I still couldn’t change myself. I grew up seeing my parents keeping their words and actions exactly how they would say would do, so I naturally followed that pattern. They never had cheated or harsh on others, so I couldn’t also, even it costed me much mentally, emotionally as well as financially.
Then what did I do, especially when I got so upset, sad, fired up in my heart and head? I learned to turn the other way around. I learned meditation. I learned to tender my delicate emotional nature not by crying out, but by self reflecting, by stopping and contemplating to understand the human nature and life. Gradually I could leave some room for “otherwise” in interacting with people. Slowly I could understand why people are sometimes behaving otherwise despite their initial good intention, our fundamentally pure nature.
What makes freaks, cheats, criminals, thefts, crooks, and manias alike in the way they are despite their original pure nature just as we are? Circumstances, ignorance, insecurity, fear, misunderstanding and short sightedness … We are afraid that we might not have enough for our own, would get denied our rightful place and share in this game of life if we don’t keep vigilant. We get shaken and jealous easily because we translate other’s success as our minus.
In Buddhist term, there is “dependent origination,” meaning we all are connected to each other, whatever one thinks or does affecting one another, the entire universe, whether we might be aware or not. Life will go on as long as this universe is held in place, everybody having enough space and share in the meticulous web of cosmic matrix that our creator has designed. There is also the Biblical story that Jesus had exhibited how one piece of bread was enough to share among all the people of Jerusalem. Each religion assures the universal truth of abundance and protection for our life, but we lack in faith to trust that. That is ignorance, the cause of our much unhappiness, insecurity, suffering, misery, conflicts, and thereby many are lost in darkness, crying out, rather than living in joy, in bliss, that which is our birthright.
By realizing the birthright can we only be free ourselves; functioning from our inborn good nature; not accumulating, expecting or possessing more from our material worlds that which will be never enough. We all were born with the promise of supreme happiness, and yet we don’t know how to enjoy that. Go and dig out your old album to see the picture of your baby time. How innocent and sweet, fully trusting and blissful, were you? Somewhere along the way, we bought into other people’s remarks, insecure and insincere words about how people and life are, and we believed in them without testing with our own inner wisdom bestowed by the Nature. We also became insecure, fearful, clinging, needy, greedy, distrustful… That is what they call “conditioned reality” in Buddhist term.
Our real nature is neither the ugly, unstable emotional reaction nor the lost, abandoned inner child, but “emptiness” “pure brightness” that could become anything we can make it to be, never losing its original nature of abundance and purity. We don’t have to be so fanatical, possessive, but let it loose; let it relax a bit into the rhythm of life with faith and surrender. Then we can see why someone is behaving in certain way despite their intention. That is “compassion,” that is “love” that which binds us in humanity to share and rejoice together.
Through years of meditative practices, I haven’t seen any gods, goddesses or other celestials in my vision; but I have seen that true self of each person, including myself, always trying to do our best but succumbing to the circumstances occasionally making mistakes, fall, misunderstand… but given some time, they always come back… because we crave for goodness, betterment, togetherness, acceptance, compassion and love… If you have that, if I have that, no matter how much sometimes the other person causes pain in your heart, tearing apart your trust and affection, you can still tolerate and be able to wait until the tides can turn around… Let’s not be afraid to love and be hyper sensitive to others’ need, at the same time, let’s not expect the same would return from the same person. What goes around comes around. We will have our share and time.
I love people, life very much, but I can’t say, I can’t express freely now, especially by crying out. As I know how limited my perception, interpretation can be by the limited conditions my being carries. I wouldn’t know how dusty my inner mirror can be. So everyday, I breathe in, breathe out, and pausing in between. Then, somehow I can manage better. I still toss and turn, losing my sleep easily whenever I feel hurt by someone, something. Instead of turning my frustration, disappointment toward them, I would breathe in, breathe out, and waiting, waiting, waiting… until it can turn around the tides by itself. Enormous patience and discipline…by learning that I only could temper my hyper sensitive nature for better use; expanding awareness to embrace, to understand others better. It no longer matters how others are behaving. I don’t have to limit the space around others. I myself still can strive to be a better human being to expand my own space limitlessly. Then it seems life gets along just fine. That is why I can’t cry out, as there is not much I see it as greater sadness than seeing somebody forgetting his/her true nature of goodness, holiness…
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)